Mean Boys
by Jasminta Blossom
Summary: "And evil takes a human form in Tybalt Capulet. Don't be fooled, because he may seem like your typical selfish, aggressive, homophobic, back-stabbing manwhore-faced knobhead. But in reality, he is so much more than that" Romeo and Juliet meets Mean Girls!
1. Chapter 1

Greetings! So this is my new story. I've had this idea for ages now, and have only just put it too fruitation. As a Christmas gift. Also, I am working on a prequel to Child Swap and a sequel to A Long Year's Nightmare even though I said I wouldn't. Too bad, I guess. And there will be cameos from my OCs and the lovely Allegra who belongs to Cornadopia. She's given me permission to borrow her. So special thanks to her!

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><p>"This is your lunch, ok?" said my dad, handing me a paper "I put a Euro in there so you can buy some milk. You'll find Romeo soon enough and he'll tell you where to do that"<p>

"You remember your phone number? I wrote it down for you, just in case" said my mum. She handed me a slip of paper "Put it in your pocket, I don't want you to lose it"

"OK? You ready?" asked my dad.

"I think so" I replied.

"It's Benvolio's big day" declared my dad.

I suppose it's natural for parents to be worried on their kid's first day of school. But this usually happens when the kid is five. And I'm sixteen. Until today, I was homeschooled. I know what you're thinking. Home-schooled kids are freaks, like super nerds who can spell xylocarp. Or that we're weirdly religious or something. But my family's totally normal.

Except for the fact that my parents are passionate pacifists and we've spent the last twelve years in Africa, helping to rebuild communities after the war. But then Prince Escalus offered them both a knighthood for their work, and wanted to start a new charity with them as the patrons based in Verona. And my parents missed our family. So it was goodbye Africa, hello Verona, hello Montagues and hello high school.

Both my parents insisted on a picture, and then I turned to head over the road. Just as I stepped out, a car whizzed past. I jerked back onto the pavement and turned back to my horrified parents.

"I'm OK. Sorry. I'll be careful"

I crossed the road successfully, and then headed through the throes of stupid. Pretty preppy cheerleaders glanced over snootily, nerds shrivelled up with their books, Goths glared my way, and some other boys were graffiting a wall. I wandered through this maze, and using the map I'd been given, found myself in the classroom I'd been told to go to.

I headed towards a confident blond guy standing at the front who I assumed must be our teacher.

"Hi. I don't know if anyone told you about me. I'm a new student here. My name is Benvolio Montague"

He looked at me disgusted "Talk to me again and I'll bitch slap you"

I was stunned. It turns outs he was a student. The sensible thing to do seemed to sit down. I headed towards the desk in the front row.

"Uh uh, you don't wanna sit there. Gabriel Fulgencio's girlfriend is going sit there" said a boy with mischievous green eyes and dark unruly hair.

The girlfriend rolled into the seat "Hey, baby" said Gabriel, and they started to make out. I headed to a seat behind another guy, near the boy who told me not to sit down.

"He farts a lot" said the boy. I wandered the front of the glasses, totally unsure of where to sit.

"Hey, everybody" said a cool female voice, and then I banged into the owner of said voice. The class roared with laughter, particularly the boy who had spoken to me.

"Oh, God, I'm so sorry" I gasped, horrified. Her drink had slopped over her shirt and her books and papers were scattered everywhere.

"It's not you. I'm bad luck" said the woman, starting to take off her sweater.

"Ms. Nurse?" said a man standing in the door.

"My T-shirt's stuck to my sweater, isn't it?"

"Yeah" I said. I pulled it down hurriedly, hoping to amend what had happened earlier.

"Fantastic"

"Is everything all right in here?" asked the man.

"Oh, yeah" said Ms. Nurse, sorting herself out.

"So...how was your summer?" the man asked again.

"I got divorced"

"My house got egged by chavs"

"I win" said Ms. Nurse.

"Yes, you do" said the man, but he didn't look convinced.

"Well, I just wanted to let everyone know that we have a new student joining us" said the man. I now believed that he was probably the head teacher. I wasn't sure. My parents had done all the arranging. I was too miserable to care that we were leaving Africa.

"He just moved here all the way from Africa" said the head teacher.

Ms. Nurse's gaze moved from me to a black guy sitting in the back row "Welcome"

"I'm from Mantua"

"Great" she beamed, giving him a thumbs up.

"His name is Benvolio. Where are you, Benvolio?"

"That's me" I said, raising my hand to be noticed. I was pleased that there was now some order and I'd understand what was going on "But my name's pronounced with the l on the end sounding more of a lee, rather than a lie"

"My apologies" said the head teacher "I have a niece named Charmin, and I know how mad she gets when I call her Charmain. Almost as mad as I get when I think about the fact that my brother named her Charmin"

"Well, welcome, Benvolio" said Ms. Nurse, turning to me "And thank you, Mr. Lawrence"

"Well, thank you. And if you need anything or if you want to talk to somebody"

"Thanks. Maybe some other time, when my shirt isn't see through"

"OK"

"OK. Good day, everybody"

The first day of school went past in a bit of a blur. A stressful, surreal blur. I got in trouble for the most random things. I couldn't go to the bathroom without something called a lavatory pass and when I tried to ask for one, I was just told to sit back down again. I mean, I had never lived in a place where adults didn't trust me and were always yelling at me! I was yelled at for reading ahead and using a green pen, and for eating in class.

Then it was lunchtime. I hadn't seen Romeo yet. I couldn't even remember what he looked like; it had been years since we had last met.

I collected my milk from the canteen, and turned to find a place to sit. There was a group of guys sitting together. I caught a snatch of their conversation.

"I told you, I saw the whole thing"

"Everything"

"Did you see nipple? It only counts if you saw a nipple"

"That's true, dude"

I'd had a lot of friends back in Africa, but so far none in Verona. I ended up eating my lunch in the loos. Most of the loos I'd used back in Africa hadn't been the nicest of places, but I was shocked to find that in a developed country, the boys loos were absolutely disgusting. I was relieved to get home.

"Hey. How was your first day?" asked my dad eagerly.

I looked at my parents and stormed into the house.


	2. Chapter 2

DarkLadyRebel - That's not a problem! I should be revising, but I'm writing instead...Anyway, looking forward to a super long review from you!

Poor ol' Benny. And it's about to get a lot worse...

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><p>I dreaded the next day, but I knew that I may as well get it over with. I thought to myself, that once I knew the rules I'd settle better, and with a bit of luck I'd find my cousin.<p>

"Is that your natural hair colour?" asked a boy sitting with the boy who spoke to me yesterday. He looked vaguely familiar.

"Yeah" I replied.

"It's gorgeous" he smiled.

"Thank you" I smiled back.

"See, this is the colour I want" he cried, leaning over, grabbing a lock of my hair and putting it against his face.

"This is Romeo. He's almost too gay to function"

"Oh, so...are you Romeo Montague?"

"Yes" replied Romeo.

"So then you must be my cousin. Right?"

"Right" said Romeo.

"Nice trousers, Mercutio. Where'd you buy them?" jeered a boy wearing sporty clothes.

I looked down and noticed Mercutio was wearing a pair of pink trousers. Mercutio turned to face the boy and yelled "Your dad's sex shop!" before he turned to me with a nicer expression "I'm Mercutio"

"Hi, I'm Benvolio. Do you guys know where Room G is?"

Romeo grabbed my schedule and read it out "Health, Tuesday/Thursday, Room G"

"I think that's in the back building" said Mercutio, his green eyes twinkling.

"Yeah, that's in the back building" said Romeo. They seemed to understand something I didn't, but it didn't catch on. I was just so happy to have found someone familiar.

"Yeah, we'll take you there" nodded Mercutio

"Thanks" I beamed. The bell went and we bustled out into the hall

"Watch out, please! New meat coming through!" shouted Romeo as they led me down the corridors. Meanwhile, the two boys read through my schedule.

"Health. Spanish"

"You're taking Higher Maths?"

"Yeah, I like maths"

"Why?" asked Romeo.

"Because it's the same in every country" I explained

"That's beautiful. This boy is deep. He's definitely my cousin"

We approached a tree. I looked around, slightly confused "Where's the back building?"

"It burned down in 1984" answered Mercutio.

"Won't we get in some sort of trouble for this?" I asked nervously.

"Why would we get you into trouble? We're your friends" shrugged Mercutio.

I knew it was naughty to skip lessons, but Mercutio had just said that we were friends. And I was in no position to decline any friends. I suppose I'll never know what I missed on that first day of healthy class. Perhaps it was the same thing I'd heard from every person over thirty.

"Don't have sex. Because you will get pregnant and die. Don't have sex in the missionary position, don't have sex standing up. Just don't do it, promise? OK, everybody take some rubbers"

"Why didn't they just keep home-schooling you?" asked Mercutio.

"They wanted me to get socialized"

"Oh, you'll get socialized, all right. A little slice like you" said Romeo.

"What are you talking about?" I asked him, not understanding all this 'teen speak' There was so much strange slang, that I just could not catch on!

"You're a regulation hottie"

"What?"

"Own it"

"How do you spell your name again, Benvolio?" asked Mercutio. He was doodling something on a piece of paper.

"It's B-E-N-V-O-L-I-O"

"Yeah, I'm just going to call you Bennykins"

Suddenly Romeo groaned "In the name of all that is holy, will you just look at Paris Vincentino's gym clothes?"

I turned to see a boy in tight shorts, and a rugged shirt that the sleeves had been rolled up on.

"Of course all The Capulets are in the same gym class" said Mercutio disgustedly.

"Who are The Capulets?" I asked, confused again!

"They're teen royalty. If Verona was _Us Weekly_, they would always be on the cover" explained Romeo.

"That one there, that's Paris Vincentino. To my embarrassment, he is my cousin. He is one of the dumbest boys you will ever meet. Romeo sat next to him in English last year"

"He asked me how to spell Juliet" added Romeo.

"And that little one? That's Petruchio Dickson. He's totally rich because his dad invented Toaster Strudel. Petruchio Dickson knows everybody's business. He knows everything about everyone" Mercutio went on.

"That's why his hair is so big. It's full of secrets" added Romeo.

An ugly sneer formed on Mercutio's face "And evil takes a human form in Tybalt Capulet. Don't be fooled, because he may seem like your typical selfish, aggressive, homophobic, back-stabbing manwhore-faced knobhead. But in reality, he is so much more than that. He is the King Of Cats. The star. Those other two are just his little workers. Do not even let him know you are a Montague, or you're dead. Urgh, Tybalt Capulet. How do I even begin to explain Tybalt Capulet?"

Mercutio and Romeo both began to recite gossip, at an alarming speed. I was stunned.

"Tybalt Capulet is flawless"

"He has two iphones and a custom made silver Mercedes"

"His uncle gave him a gun with his name on for Christmas"

"I heard he dated a model in Vogue"

"I heard he advertises underwear for Calvin Klein. In France"

"His favourite movie is _Hot Fuzz_"

"One time, he met Britney Spears on a plane. And she told him he was sexy"

"One time, he punched me in the face for looking at his cousin Juliet. It was awesome" breathed Romeo. I leant back, a little stunned.

"He always looks fierce. He always wins Spring Fling King" Romeo went on.

"Who cares?" shrugged Mercutio.

"I care. Every year, the seniors throw this dance for the underclassmen called The Spring Fling. And whomsoever is elected Spring Fling King and Queen automatically becomes head of the Student Activities Committee. And since I am an active member of the Student Activities Committee, I would say, yes, I do care" said Romeo.

"Wow, Romeo, you've truly out-gayed yourself" sighed Mercutio. Then he turned back to me "Here. This map is going to be your guide to Verona High. Now, where you sit in the cafeteria is crucial because you got everybody there. You got your goths, emos, chavs, jocks, preps, nerds, pretty boys, LGBTQ teenagers, Celibacy Club, feminist union, fat kids, anorexic kids, desperate wannabes, burnouts, sexually active band geeks, the greatest people you will ever meet and the worst. Beware of The Capulets"

I took this advice to heart. So at lunch, after I had collected my meal, I was heading over to where Mercutio and Romeo sat. I'd just passed Tybalt's table when I was interrupted by a girl dressed in a long baggy...outfit. I don't even know what it was. A sack? "Hey. I'm doing a lunchtime survey of new boys. Can you answer a few questions?"

"OK. Sure" I shrugged, to be friendly.

"Do you want to butter muffins?"

"What?"

"Are you out to butter muffins?"

"Butter what?"

"Is she bothering you?" asked Tybalt "Katharina, why are you such a man-hater?"

"I'm just being friendly to the new boy" scolded Katharina, although sarcasm dripped from her words.

"You were supposed to call me last night!" hissed Petruchio.

"Katharina. You do not come to a party at my house and harass Petruchio and then start harassing some other poor, innocent guy who is not interested in you right in front of us four days later. None of us boys are interested in you or your little feminist club. Do you want to have sex with her?"

"No, thank you" I said hurriedly, wanting to get away from the awkward situation.

"Good. So it's settled. So you can go read some more of the Feminine Mystique now. Bye, Katharina"

"Twat" muttered Katharina, storming away. I was about to follow, when Tybalt beckoned me back.

"Wait. Sit down" said Tybalt, with a fake smile in place. I glanced from him to Romeo and Mercutio beckoning me over.

"Seriously, sit down" said Tybalt. I sat down. I didn't want to offend the scary boy "Why don't I know you?"

"I'm new. I just moved here from Africa" I explained.

"What?" asked Tybalt

"I used to be home-schooled"

"Wait. What?"

"My mum taught me at home"

"No, no. I know what home-school is. I'm not retarded. So you've actually never been to a real school before? Shut up. Shut up!"

"I didn't say anything" I said timidly.

"Home-schooled. That's really interesting"

"Thanks" I mumbled, unsure of what to say

"But you're, like, really cute"

"Thank you?"

"So you agree"

"What?"

"You think you're really cute"

"Oh, I don't know"

"Oh my God, I love your watch. Where did you get it?"

"Oh, my mum bought it for me"

"It's cool"

"Oh, it's so Tank" added the one called Petruchio.

"What is 'Tank'?" spat Tybalt.

"Oh, it's, like, slang. From Padua" explained Petruchio.

"So if you're from Africa..." pondered Paris "Why are you white?"

"Oh, my God, Paris, you can't just ask people why they're white" gasped Petruchio.

"Could you give us some privacy for, like, one second?" asked Tybalt, another fake smile on his face.

"Yeah, sure" I replied quickly, feeling very uneasy. I turned to see where Romeo and Mercutio were sitting. They both mouthed to me "_What are you doing?"_

Tybalt cleared his throat. I turned back to look at him "OK, you should just know that we don't do this a lot, so this is, like, a really huge deal"

I waited.

"We wanna invite you to have lunch with us, every day, for the rest of the week" smiled Petruchio smugly, as if he was granting me some great privilege.

"Oh, it's OK..." I began, thinking of Romeo and Mercutio. They were going to kill me for this.

"Coolness" Tybalt interrupted with another fake smile in place "So we'll see you tomorrow"

Paris smiled absentmindedly "On Wednesdays, we wear leather"


	3. Chapter 3

Cornadopia - Yes. Poor Benny. It's always him.

Edssessed374 - I know! I'm glad I decided too. I've had this idea for ages.

So countrybumpkin Benvolio has met the Capulets. Still not sure whether who to use as a love interest yet, so let me know if you have any ideas.

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><p>"Oh my God!" cackled Mercutio "OK, you have to do it, OK? And then you have to tell me all the horrible things that Tybalt says"<p>

"Tybalt seems sweet" I replied haplessly.

"Tybalt Capulet is not sweet. He's a scum-sucking fuckwit! He ruined my life!" screamed Mercutio, his eyes filled with the passion of hatred.

"He's fabulous, but he's evil" explained Romeo, drying his hands and splashing water everywhere.

"Hey, pack that it in!" cried another guy who was beside him. Romeo turned to face him, and then his eyes widened in delight.

"Oh my God! Justin Bieber! I love your work!" he cried, and then he attempted to rush after this guy with his arms open. The guy took one look at him and fled. Romeo fell back disappointedly.

"Why do you hate him?" I asked, still not understanding.

"What do you mean?" Mercutio questioned.

"Tybalt. You seem to really hate him"

"Yes. What's your question?" Mercutio went on defensively.

I tried again "Well, my question is, why?"

"Tybalt started this rumour that Mercutio was a-" Romeo began to explain.

"Romeo! Shall we not?" shrieked Mercutio defensively. He turned to me, slightly calmer "Now, look. This isn't about hating him, OK? I just think that it would be, like, a fun little experiment if you were to hang out with them and then tell us everything that they say"

"What do we even talk about?"

"Lamborghinis" said Mercutio, with a wave of his hands.

"Guns and weed" added Romeo.

"Is that a band?" I asked.

"Would you just do it? Please?" burst out Mercutio.

"OK, fine" I agreed, fustratedly "Do you have anything leather?"

"No" scoffed Mercutio.

"Yes" replied Romeo.

By the time it was last period, I was relieved to get to my maths class. I'm pretty good at maths, so nothing in maths class could mess me up. I'd have a couple of stress free minutes.

However, there was a girl in the front row fumbling around in her bag. Her head kept bobbing up and down, and I couldn't see the board very clearly. It wasn't until she turned around and asked "Hey, do you have a pencil I can borrow?"

I'd only ever had one crush in my life. Her name was Nagaga, and we were about five. Obviously, it didn't work out. I told her I loved her, and she ran off screaming that I had cooties. But this one hit me like a big yellow school bus. I was speechless, I mean, she was just...

"Benvolio, what do you say?"

"So beautiful" I murmured. And then I realised the whole class was staring at me. I quickly gasped, and then gabbled the answer "Sorry, um, I mean, A-sub-N equals N plus one over four"

Ms. Nurse smiled at me and nodded "That's right. That's good. Very good. All right, let's talk about your homework"

I sighed with relief. I was off the radar. That was a close one. Later on, when I got home, my parents were once again waiting for me on the porch of our house.

"Hey. How was your second day?" asked my dad.

This time I smiled "Fine"

"Were people nice?" asked my mum.

"No" I replied.

"Did you see Romeo?"

"Yes"

"Did you make any friends?"

"Yeah"


	4. Chapter 4

Grencle - Thanks for the review! By the way, I love your username.

Jetmir - I couldn't resist putting that in! Thanks for the review.

RitatheBeetle - I love him too! Thank you for reviewing :)

dragongal150 - Will do! Thanks for the review.

Sorry for the wait, have been concentrating on my prequel to Child Swap for the past two months. Also I was unsure of who I could use as a love interest that Tybalt and Benvolio would fight over, so I invented someone. Her name was Rose's original name in Child Swap. And also, a Capulet called Allegra appears. She is not mine, she is Cornadopia's. Cornadopia lent her to me for ALYN and said I could use her again to be the chief Mathlete and be Mercutio's love interest at the end. Don't forget to check out her story 'Mercutio and Allegra' because it's pretty freaking awesome and deserves more reviews.

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><p>Having lunch with the Capulets was like leaving the real world and entering 'Guyland' And believe me, 'Guyland' had a lot of rules. I was already chafing from wearing Romeo's leather trousers. They were killing me! Tybalt, of course, looked effortlessly cool in a leather jacket.<p>

"You can't wear a vest top two days in a row, and you can only wear gel in your hair in once a week. So I guess you picked today" explained Petruchio, looking at my failed attempt to tidy my usually scruffy hair to try and fit in.

"Oh, and we only wear jeans or track pants on Fridays" added Paris.

"Now, if you break any of these rules, you can't sit with us at lunch. I mean, not just you. Like, any of us. OK, like, if I was wearing jeans today, I would be sitting over there with the Montagues" sniffed Petruchio contemptuously, looking over at Romeo and Mercutio. Mercutio was stuffing marshmallows into Romeo's mouth at an alarming rate. I giggled, but the other two looked disgusted. I knew it would be hard for me to disguise the fact that I was a Montague as well, so I had made sure to put my books with my name on them upside down in my bag so they couldn't see them. Genius, right?

"Oh, and we always vote before we ask someone to eat lunch with us because you have to be considerate of the rest of the group. Well, I mean, you wouldn't buy a shirt without asking your friends first if it looks good on you" added Petruchio.

"I wouldn't?" I asked. This was the strangest thing I had ever heard. I always asked my mum if stuff looked good on me. And she usually helped me with the fashion choices.

"Right. Oh, and it's the same with girls" Petruchio went on "Like, you may think you like someone, but...you could be wrong" he added, a harsh manic edge to his voice.

"This has one hundred and nineteen calories. What percent is that?" interrupted Tybalt.

"Um...one hundred and nineteen divided by..." trailed off Petruchio.

"I'm only eating foods with less than thirty percent calories from fat" Tybalt explained, frustrated.

"You don't work it out like that" I interrupted. I felt their eyes on me, and quickly began talking about how to get the answer. Tybalt looked completely uninterestedly. Then he just shrugged.

"Whatever. I'm getting cheese fries"

He got up, and headed back to the cafeteria line. Petruchio leant in close with a smile plastered across his face "So have you seen any girls that you think are cute yet?"

"Well, there's this girl in my maths class" I said, blushing a little. I never went over the board when I liked someone.

"Who is it?" asked Petruchio eagerly.

"Is she fit?" asked Paris just as eagerly.

"Her name's Stacey"

"No!"

"Oh, no, you can't like Stacey! That's Tybalt's ex-girlfriend! They went out for a year" gasped Petruchio.

"Yeah, and then he was devastated when she broke up with her last summer" added Paris.

"I thought he dumped her for Rosaline Oftmoro?" Petruchio contradicted, but then he turned back to me "OK, regardless. Ex-girlfriends are just off-limits to friends. I mean, that's just, like, the rules of the bro code. Don't worry. I'll never tell Tybalt what you said. It'll be our little secret"

After yet another confusing lunchtime, I made it to maths class, wondering how I'd feel about Stacey now. Even though I wasn't allowed to like her, I suppose I was still allowed to look at her. And maybe think about her. And talk to her...

"Hey, Stace..."

"Hey, you're the Africa boy, right?" interrupted a girl's voice. I turned, and nearly did a double take. This girl had messy high pigtails, a bad case of acne, dorky dress sense, and a ginormously framed pair of glass, and they had just scared me. Behind her, two ginger girls, dressed almost esxactly the same, stood.

"Yeah"

"I'm Allegra, that's Juliet and this is Hermia. I'm captain of the Verona High mathletes team. We participate in math challenges against other high schools like Mantua and Padua, and we can get twice as much funding if we've got a boy. So you should think about joining"

"Oh, you'd be perfect for it" added Ms Nurse, turning around from the board.

"Yeah, definitely" I said. It sounded like a great way to make friends. And besides, I was a little dorky myself. Perhaps I'd fit in better with them.

"Great, great. Let me give you my card. OK, so think it over. Because we'd like to get jackets" said Allegra.

"OK" I accepted the card, and then hurried on my way. I had to get down to the car park. I walked past some girls practising for a netball match on the field, and noticed Stacey. She smiled and waved.

"Hey!"

I was about to wave back, when a shimmering silver car rolled up beside me. Tybalt reclined in the driver's seat.

"Get in, loser. We're going shopping"

I guess Tybalt's like the Action Man I never had. I'd never seen anybody so tough. His car roared down the road, as rap music blared out. People stared in admiration. When he parked, people deliberately left him a parking space and moved out of the way so he could walk into the shopping centre with us following in his wake.

"So how do you like Verona?" asked Paris, as we walked.

"It's good. I think I'm joining the Mathletes" I replied.

"No! No, no!" cried Petruchio.

"No, no. You cannot do that. That is social suicide" spat Tybalt "Damn, you are so lucky you have us to guide you"

Being at the shopping centre kind of reminded me of being home in Africa. We approached a fountain with several teenagers gathered around. Make that by the watering hole. They galloped around, goofed about and then someone fell in. Make that when the animals are in heat!

"Oh, my God, there's Katharina!"gasped Petruchio.

"Where? Oh, there she is" said Tybalt.

"And she's with that dyke friend of hers from their feminist club" Petruchio went on.

"I bet they're going out!" giggled Paris.

"Wait. Katharina's not going out with a girl. No. She cannot harass you like that for no good reason. She's such a slut. Give me your phone" ordered Tybalt.

"You aren't going to call her, right?" asked Petruchio, worriedly handing over his phone.

"Do you think I'm an idiot?" scorned Tybalt as he fumbled with the buttons.

"No" said Petruchio hastily.

"Minola, on Chorus Court"

"Caller ID" hissed Petruchio.

"Not when you connect from Information" corrected Tybalt.

"Hello?" buzzed a man's voice from the phone.

"Hello, may I please speak to Katharina Minola?" asked Tybalt in a cool, calm, professional voice.

"She's not home yet. Who's calling?" the phone buzzed.

"Oh, this is Steve from Help For LGBT Teenagers. Her councillor has resigned due to her excessive anger issues. If you could have her give me a call as soon as she can. It's urgent. Thank you" Tybalt closed the phone, with an evil smile in place "She's not going out with anyone"

"OK, that was so Tank" beamed Petruchio.


	5. Chapter 5

So, here's the next part of Mean Boys. Time for Benvolio to see the Capulet Manor...and discover Tybalt's Burn Book.

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><p>We finished up at the shopping centre, and then Tybalt drove us back to his house, the Capulet Manor. It was a huge, grey stoned building, with at least four floors or maybe even five, a swimming pool and a gigantic lawn. I looked around in amazement as Tybalt parked the car and swaggered up the pathway.<p>

"Your house is really nice" I said, when we reached the door. Tybalt slipped a key into the lock, and turned to me.

"I know, right?" he stepped inside. Petruchio bent over and whispered to me.

"Make sure you check out his aunt's boob job. They're as hard as rocks"

"I'm home!" shouted Tybalt. He turned to a girl sitting on the sofa "Hey, Juliet"

"Hey" she greeted back.

"Hey, hey, hey!" called a woman's voice. A blonde woman clutching a cat to her chest emerged from the kitchen. Her grin was plastic and scary "How are my best boyfriends?"

"Hello, Lady Capulet. This is Benvolio" said Petruchio.

"Hello, sweetheart" she smiled at me, looking even more scarily plastic.

"Hi" I replied.

"Welcome to our home" she dropped the cat, and then she was coming at me with her arms outstretched. I shuddered, feeling the rocks slam against my chest. Any other guy would die to be in my place, but I was repulsed. She backed away, still grinning "Just want you to know, if you need anything, don't be shy, OK? There are no rules in this house. I'm not like a regular aunty. I'm a cool aunty. Right, Tybalt?"

"Please stop talking" Tybalt sighed.

"OK. I'm going to make you boys a Wednesday treat" She swaggered off back into the kitchen, and Tybalt led us upstairs. We wandered down corridors, and then Tybalt opened a door.

"This is your room?" I asked, looking around. My own room could have fit inside several times!

"It was my aunty and uncle's room, but I made them trade me" replied Tybalt replied, kicking off his shoes and replacing them with a pair of kitten slippers.

"Hey, put on The Real Slim Shady" said Petruchio.

Tybalt turned to me as he shrugged off his leather jacket "Benvolio, do you even know who sings this?"

I concentrated. It sounded like the rap music we had listened to in the car.

"50 Cent?"

"I love him. He's like a Martian" snorted Tybalt. Paris and Petruchio wandered over to the mirror, where they both sighed.

"Oh my God, my hips are like a woman's!"

"Oh, please. I hate my arms"

Tybalt groaned as he wandered over to the mirror "At least you guys have normal hair colours. My ginger roots keep coming through!"

I used to think that only girls cared about their appearances. Apparently, boys can be just as insecure.

"My hair won't fit any decent style" complained Petruchio.

"My stubble is always ginger" grumbled Tybalt.

"My veins show really visibly through my skin" whined Paris. Then, they all turned to me. I didn't know what to say. I wasn't the best looker – no one was, really. But I hadn't really grown up in a culture where looks were important. My mum always called me beautiful.

"I get really bad acne when I'm stressed"

"Eww" murmured Paris. Then, the door swung open, and Lady Capulet walked in, carrying a tray of cocktails.

"Hey, you boys. Happy hour is from four to six!" she declared.

"Thanks" I said, accepting a glass "Um, is there alcohol in this?"

She looked stunned "Oh, God, honey, no. What kind of aunty do you think I am? Why, do you want a little bit? Because if you're going to drink, I'd rather you do it in the house"

"No, thank you" I shook my head.

"OK. So, you guys, what is the 411?" she asked, settling on an armchair. She reached down, and picked up her cat. It purred, and padded around on her for a while, before turning to her cleavage. It stuck out it's pink pointy tongue and started to lick "What has everybody been up to? What is the hot gossip? Tell me everything. What are you guys listening to? What's the cool jams?"

"Aunty!" barked Tybalt, looking disgustedly at the cat's antics "Could you go fix your hair?"

"OK" she tossed her hair over one shoulder "You boys keep me young. Oh, I love you so much" she crooned as she paraded out the room.

"Oh my God, I remember this" said Paris, pulling a book from something that vaguely resembled a book shelf next to the wardrobe.

"I haven't looked at that in forever" replied Tybalt.

"Come check it out, Benvolio. It's our Burn Book. See, we cut out boys' pictures from the yearbook, and then we wrote comments"

"Othello's girlfriend Desdemona cheated on him with Cassio"

"Still true" nodded Tybalt.

"Lysander's girlfriend cheated on him...with two boys!"

"Still half true" shrugged Tybalt.

"Gabriel Fulgencio. He does ballet"

"Mercutio Vincentino, fag"

"Who is that?" asked Paris, pointing at the person next to him.

"I think that's that Montague, Romeo" replied Petruchio.

"Yeah. He's almost too gay to function" I added, trying to fit in.

"Ha! That's funny. Put that in there" instructed Tybalt.

Uh oh. Maybe that was only ok when Mercutio said it!


	6. Chapter 6

RichardIII1955 - Thanks! Hope you enjoy the rest of it :D

Ugh, it's been ages since I updated this. Well, anyway, Benvolio reports back to Mercutio and Romeo, and gets an invite to a party.

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><p>"And they have this Burn Book where they write mean things about all the boys in our school!"<p>

"What does it say about me?" demanded Mercutio, as we stood inside a soap shop where he apparently worked.

I couldn't tell him. I really couldn't "You're not in it" I lied.

"Those bastards" growled Mercutio.

Romeo walked up to us, holding a pot "Will this lighten my stubble?"

"No! Benvolio, you've got to steal that book!" cried Mercutio.

"No way!"

"Oh, come on. We could publish it, and then everybody would see what a crazy psycho he really is"

"I don't steal" I protested.

"That is for removing your pubes!" snapped Mercutio, grabbing the pot from Romeo and slamming it down on the table. He turned to me, a pitying look on his face "Benvolio, there are two kinds of evil people. People who do evil stuff, and people who see evil stuff being done and don't try to stop it"

"Does that mean I'm morally obligated to burn that lady's outfit?" asked Romeo, as he pointed. We looked over at a woman browsing through some soaps.

"Oh, my God, that's Ms. Nurse" hissed Romeo.

"I love seeing teachers outside of school. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs" Mercutio hissed back. She turned, and saw her. With a smile, she wandered up to us.

"Hey, guys, what's up? I didn't know you worked here" she said, looking at Mercutio in his uniform.

"Yeah, moderately priced soaps are my calling" replied Mercutio,

"You shopping?" asked Romeo.

"No, I'm just here with my boyfriend" said Ms. Nurse, pointing at an old man with a beard. Us three glanced among ourselves awkwardly. She smiled, slightly embarrassed "Joking. Sometimes older people make jokes"

"My nana takes her wig off when she's drunk" nodded Romeo.

"Your nana and I have that in common" she nodded to him. Then she cleared her throat and went on "No, actually, I'm just here because I bartend a couple nights a week down at P.J. Calamity's" She turned to look at me "Benvolio, I hope you do join Mathletes, you know, because we start in a couple weeks and I would love to have a boy on the team, just, you know, so the team could...meet a boy"

"I think I'm going to do it" I replied.

"Great" she beamed.

"You can't join Mathletes! It's social suicide!" burst out Romeo.

"Thanks, Romeo" said Ms. Nurse drily "Well, this has been sufficiently awkward. And I'll see you guys tomorrow"

We bade goodbye and she wandered off.

"Oh, man, that is bleak" winced Romeo.

"So when are you gonna see Tybalt again?" asked Mercutio.

"I can't spy on him anymore. It's weird!" I cried.

"Come on, he's never going to find out. He might be mean, but he's still stupid. It'll be like our little secret"

So, I was still spying on Tybalt, it seemed. After finishing telling Romeo and Mercutio all the gossip I knew, I headed back home. I had dinner, talked to my parents, did my homework, chilled out, and then the phone rang. I quickly answered.

"Hello?" I asked.

"I know your secret" Tybalt stated.

Oh, God. I was busted. I didn't know whether to started apologizing and crying. Or to play it cool.

"Secret? What are you saying about?"

"Petruchio told me that you like Stacey Samuels. I mean, I don't care, do whatever you want. But let me just tell you something about Stacey. All she cares about is school, and her mum, and her friends"

"Is that bad?" I frowned.

"But if you like her...Whatever. I mean, I could talk to her for you if you want"

"Really? You would do that? I mean, nothing embarrassing, though, right?"

"Oh, no, trust me. I know exactly how to play it. But wait" I heard Tybalt hesitate "Aren't you so mad at Petruchio for telling me?"

"No"

"Because if you are, you can tell me. It was a really bitchy thing for him to do"

"Yeah, it was pretty bitchy, but I'm not mad. I mean, I guess he just likes the attention"

"See, Pet? I told you he's not mad at you" said Tybalt coolly.

"I can't believe you think I like attention!" cried Petruchio.

"OK, love you. See you tomorrow" dismissed Tybalt. The phone hung up. I was left bewildered, but I had survived my first three-way calling attack. And with Tybalt's blessing, I started talking to Stacey more and more. On October the third, she asked me what day it was.

"It's October the third" I replied, with my best smile. Two weeks later, we spoke again.

"It's raining"

"Yeah"

But I wanted things to move faster. So I followed my instincts. The time I was in maths class, I leant forwards and tapped her on the shoulder.

"Hey, I'm totally lost. Can you help me?"

But I wasn't actually lost. I knew exactly what Ms. Nurse was talking about. I just didn't know how to talk to her otherwise. I'd never dated girls back in Africa, I wasn't used to knowing what to say.

"Yeah, sure. It's a factorial, so you multiply each one by N" she explained.

I knew she was wrong.

"Is that the summation?" I asked, still playing dumb.

"Yeah, they're the same thing"

Wrong. She was so wrong.

"Thanks. I...I get it now"

"Lights, please. OK. See you guys tomorrow" said Ms. Nurse, as the bell rang and we left.

Stacey turned around, holding a piece of paper "We're having a Halloween party at my friend Chris' tonight. Would you like to come?"

"Yeah, sure" I smiling, trying to sound to eager, but not too eager.

"Great. Here's where it" she handed me the flyer "It's a costume party. People get pretty into it"

"OK"

"That flier admits one person only, so don't bring some other girl with you"

"Grool" I grinned, and then realised. I shook my head embarrassedly "I meant to say 'cool' and then I started to say 'great'"

"Right. Well... grool" she smiled back, amused by my daftness "See you tonight"

I picked up my stuff, and started to leave.

"Hey, Africa. You staying for the Mathletes meeting?" called Allegra.

"Yeah, I'll be right back"


	7. Chapter 7

It's the Halloween party! Wonder what's in store for poor Benvolio...

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><p>OK, I lied. But I had to go home and work on my costume. In the regular world, Halloween is when children dress up in costumes and beg for candy. In Guyland, Halloween is the one night a year when a boy can dress in drag and no other boys can say anything about it...<p>

The hard-core boys usually go for something usually regarded as slutty on a woman...

Tybalt wore a skirt with fishnet tights, heels, a tight fitting vest and had donned a black bobbed wig. His muscles bulged out the shirt. I had no idea that he had such giant abs. Petruchio wore his normal clothes, but with a skirt over the trousers. As for Paris...

"What are you wearing?" asked Petruchio, looking at Paris' long flowery dress.

"My granny's dress. Duh!"

Unfortunately, no one told me about the drag rule. So I showed up in a long rugged shirt with bloodstains and had painted my face white and with blood dripping out of my mouth.

"Hey!" I greeted Petruchio and Paris.

They both gasped, and then caught their breath.

"Why are you dressed so scary?" asked Paris.

"It's Halloween" I shrugged.

"Have you seen Katharina?" asked Petruchio frantically.

"You know who's looking fine tonight? Juliet Capulet" breathed Paris.

"OK, you did not just say that" said Petruchio, turning around to face him.

"What? I heard she's a good kisser" dismissed Paris.

"She's Tybalt's cousin!" hissed Petruchio.

"Yeah, but she's his first cousin" explained Paris.

"Right" said Petruchio, unconvinced.

"So you have your cousins and then you have your first cousins, then you have your second cousins" Paris went on.

"No, Paris"

"That's not right, is it?" Paris shook his head confused.

"That is so not right" added Petruchio.

I wandered off, looking for Stacey. Finally, I found her. She was wearing a cute little pink dress, complete with a tiara and fairy wings "Hey" I greeted.

"Hey. You made it. And you are... a zombie vampire!" she cried enthusiastically.

"A dead prostitute" I replied, remembering the drag rule.

"Love it" giggled Stacey "Can I get you something to drink?"

"Yeah"

"Be right back"

"Thanks"

I glanced around the room as I waited for Stacey and her drink. Paris and Petruchio were still debating the date-ability of Tybalt's cousin.

"Paris, stop it. Don't, Paris..."

"Hey, Juliet!"

Stacey had headed over to the punch table. Tybalt had made his way over there. I didn't manage to catch their conversation, but I had a feeling he was talking to her for me. I bet their conversation went something like this.

"Hey" smirked Tybalt.

Stacey turned to look at him, and took in his tight-fitted slutty outfit "Oh, no. Didn't anybody tell you? You were supposed to wear a costume"

"Shut up. I need to talk to you. You know that boy Benvolio?"

"Yeah, he's cool. I invited him tonight" replied Stacey.

"Well, be careful because he has a huge crush on you" said Tybalt quickly.

"Really? How do you know?"

"Because he told me. He tells everybody. It's kind of cute, actually. He's like a little boy. He, like, writes all over his notebook, 'Mr. Stacey Samuels' And he made this T-shirt that says 'I heart Stacey' and he wears it under all his clothes"

"Oh, come on" Stacey rolled her eyes.

"Well, who can blame him? I mean, you're gorgeous. And OK, look, I'm not saying he's a stalker, but he saved this Kleenex you used and he said he's going to do some kind of African voodoo with it to make you like him"

"What?"

This was it. Tybalt said he would talk to Stacey for me, and now he was.

"I know he's kind of socially retarded and weird, but he's my friend, so just promise me you won't make fun of him"

"Of course I'm not going to make fun of him" Stacey dismissed.

Meanwhile, across the room. I was naively thinking something along the lines of...

How could Mercutio hate Tybalt? He was such a good...

And then Tybalt crushed his lips against Stacey's.

TWAT!

I had never felt this feeling before. I could hear my heartbeat in my ears. My stomach felt like it was going to fall out my butt. I had this lump in my throat like after you dry-swallow a big pill. I hated Tybalt. I hated him!

I didn't know it at the time, but Stacey pulled away "What are you doing? You broke up with me"

"That's crazy. Why would I break up with you? You're so hot" but then they leaned in and kissed again.

I ran out the house in distress. Gabriel and Juno were sitting on a wall with a bottle of booze between them. Upon sight of me, Juno shrieked and fell off. Gabriel shouted after me "That's a scary mask!"

I ran all the way to Mercutio's place where he and Romeo were watching a scary movie. I heard the chilling music before they saw me. I opened the door, and they both screamed. The popcorn flew into the air and they clutched each other in horror.

"He took her back. Tybalt took Stacey back" I whimpered, without hesitation.

"Oh, no, Benvolio" groaned Mercutio, letting go of Romeo.

"Why would he do that?" I cried.

"Because he's a life-ruiner. He ruins people's lives" replied Mercutio.

"When we were younger he made people sign this...this petition saying that Mercutio was a..."

"Romeo! Please!" Mercutio yelped. He turned to me "Look, he's not gonna get away with this again, OK? We're gonna do something"

"We are?" I sobbed.

Mercutio turned to a board hanging up in his room, and wrote a list of three things. Stacey Samuels, Hot Body, and Army of Thugs. Romeo and I watched.

"Tybalt Capulet is an evil dictator. Now, how do you overthrow a dictator? You cut off his resources" he explained, turning back around to face us. Satisfied we understood, he turned back to the board "Tybalt would be nothing without his high-status arm candy girl..." He pointed to Stacey Samuels "technically good physique..." he pointed to hot body "and ignorant band of loyal followers" and he pointed to army of thugs, meaning Paris and Petruchio.

Then, he turned back to me "Now, Benvolio, if we want this to work, you are going to have to keep hanging out with them like nothing is wrong. Can you do it?"

The desire for revenge reigned in me. I was hurt and upset. I'd never felt like this before, and I didn't want someone as horrid as Tybalt to get away with doing this for the rest of his life. I wanted to do something.

"I can do it" I nodded.

"OK, let's rock this bitch" grinned Mercutio.


	8. Chapter 8

Haven't updated in a while, so I thought I ought to. So, here is the beginning of the Montague boys' plan, as well as my favourite part of this - 'Let me tell you something about Mercutio Vincentino...'

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><p>Pretending like nothing was wrong turned out to be surprisingly easy. When we went back to school, I was walking down the stairs where I encountered Petruchio. He hurriedly burst out with an explanation.<p>

"Tybalt wanted me to tell you that he was trying to hook you up with Stacey, but she was just interested in getting him back. And that's not Tybalt's fault" he gabbled.

"No, I know" I replied calmly, remembering the plan.

"OK, so you're not mad at Tybalt?" asked Petruchio.

"God, no" I shook my head "Bros before hoes, right?"

"Oh, ok, good" Petruchio smiled "Because Tybalt wanted me to give you this"

He clapped his hand on my shoulder. I just looked at his hand strangely.

Later, we sat down for lunch. Tybalt sat at the middle of the table, with Stacey draped over him. I swallowed my anger, watching him sip from a strange red juice.

"It's called the South Beach Fat Flush, and all you drink is cranberry juice for seventy two hours" explained Tybalt, showing it to Stacey. She grabbed the bottle.

"This isn't even cranberry juice. It's cranberry juice cocktail. It's all sugar"

Tybalt shrugged "I want to lose three pounds"

"You're crazy" Stacey rolled her eyes. Tybalt caught sight of me watching. His grey catlike eyes narrowed. He turned to her.

"Why do you wear your hair like that? You hair looks so sexy pushed back. Benvolio, will you please tell Stacey that her hair looks sexy pushed back?" he purred, stroking a strand of hair off Stacey's face.

Tybalt was dangling Stacey in front of me on purpose. I knew how this would be settled in the animal world. I would charge him, and fight him for her. But this was Guyland...

"Your hair looks sexy pushed back" I sighed defeatedly.

And in Guyland, all the fighting had to be sneaky.

After lunch, Tybalt and I were in the boy's bathroom. He looked in to the mirror "I wish my stubble wouldn't always come out ginger!" he complained.

Then this plan came to me "Wait. I have this really good stubble tint I'll bring you. It works even after you've shaved!"

"Ok"

We were keeping our eyes open for opportunities for sabotage. So that night, in Mercutio's soap store, we poured the pubic hair remover into an empty pot of tinting dye and I took it in to give to Tybalt the next day.

"Tybalt. Here you go" I said the next day, handing him the tint.

"Thank you"

I waited at lunch as Stacey came to sit with us "Hey!"

"Hey" replied Tybalt. She kissed his cheek. I waited with baited breath.

"Your cheeks are so soft! It's cute" she cooed.

Mercutio snuck into the boys changing rooms and grabbed Tybalt's clothes. With a pair of scissors, he cut two holes in the backseat of Tybalt's trousers. Tybalt came back from gym class, and put on his trousers. His bright orange boxers blared through. But, looking in the mirror, he decided he didn't look so bad and shrugged. Before we knew it, every boy apart from us was wearing his trousers like that.

One month later, Mercutio, Romeo and I were meandering alone the corridors of school.

"This is ass, you guys_._ It's been a month, and all we've done is remove Tybalt's facial hair" moaned Mercutio.

"I've been really busy with choir" protested Romeo.

"We've got to crack Petruchio Dickson. We crack Petruchio, and then we crack the lock on Tybalt's whole dirty history" plotted Mercutio.

"Say 'crack' again" said Romeo.

"Crack" replied Mercutio "All right, let's reconvene tonight"

"I can't. I have to go to Tybalt's to practice for the talent show. We're doing a dance to this song-"

"Jingle Bell Rock" droned Mercutio and Romeo.

"You guys know that song?" I asked.

"Everybody in the English-speaking world knows that song. They do it every year" explained Mercutio.

"Well, I have to learn it"

Suddenly, Tybalt himself loomed around the corner.

"Go!" I hissed to Mercutio. I turned to Tybalt "Hey"

"Why were you talking to Mercutio Vincentino?"

"I don't know, I mean, he's so weird" I lied "He just, you know, came up to me and started talking to me about Queen Mab"

Tybalt snorted "He's so pathetic. Let me tell you something about Mercutio Vincentino. We were best friends in primary school. I know, right? It's so embarrassing. I don't even...Whatever. So then in eighth grade, I started going out with my first girlfriend, Amber, who was totally gorgeous, but then she moved to Mantua. And Mercutio was, like, weirdly jealous of her. Like, if I would blow him off to hang out with Amber, he'd be like, 'Why didn't you call me back?' And I'd be like, 'Why are you so obsessed with me?' So then, for my birthday party, which was an all-guys pool party, I was like, 'Mercutio, I can't invite you, because I think you're gay' I mean, I couldn't have a gay guy at my party. There were going to be guys there in their bathing suits. I mean, right? He was gay! So then his dad called my uncle and started yelling at him. It was so retarded. And then he dropped out of primary school because no one would talk to him. When he came back in the fall for high school, all of his hair was grown long and he was totally weird, and now I guess he's on shrooms"

Before I could reply, a guy walked past us in the corridor wearing a jumper. Tybalt turned, his eyebrows raised "Oh, my God! I love your jumper. Where did you get it?"

"It was my dad's in the eighties" replied the guy.

"Vintage. So hot"

"Thanks"

Tybalt turned back to me "That is the ugliest effing jumper I've ever seen"

Suddenly, I remembered the day we had first met. He had complimented me on my watch. Had that been a two faced comment as well?

"So are you going to send any candy canes?" I asked.

"No. I don't send them, I just get them" scoffed Tybalt "So you better send me one, byotch. All right. Bye. Love you"

I was definitely sending him one. I was going to use three candy canes to crack Petruchio Dickson.


	9. Chapter 9

RichardIII1955 - Haha, thanks! That was one of my favourite chapters to write/adapt.

So, now, time to read about Tybalt and his chums doing the Jingle Bell Rock! Also, Romeo sings 'Beautiful' and Allegra makes another cameo. She's not mine, she's Cornadopia's, who (by the way) needs to come back to fanfiction and update Pausa di Pasqua.

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><p>" 'Why, Man, he doth bestride the narrow world like a colossus' might translate into 'Why is he so huge and obnoxious?' " droned the teacher. The door barged open to reveal Romeo in a Santa Claus suit.<p>

"Ho ho ho! Candy cane-grams!" he boomed.

"OK, hurry up" sighed the teacher.

"Helena Lanceley? One for you. Hermia Capulet? Four for you, Hermia Capulet! You go, Hermia Capulet! And Benvolio Montague. Do we have a Benvolio Montague here?

"It's Benvo-_lee_-o" I corrected.

"Oh, Benvolio, here you go. One for you. And none for Petruchio Dickson. Bye" Romeo hurried out the door and let it slam.

"Who's that from?" demanded Petruchio.

"'Thanks for being such a great friend. Love, Tybalt' That's so sweet!" I grinned. Petruchio grabbed it, and looked at it in horror.

"Ok, back to Caesar"

Once Petruchio thought Tybalt was mad at him, the secrets started pouring out. All I had to do was wait for one that we could use. It was at the Verona High Winter Talent Show that one did.

"Thank you!" said Mr. Lawrence "Welcome to the Verona High School Winter Talent show. Let me hear you make some noise"

"WAHOO!"

"All right, settle down. Our first act calls himself a star on the rise. Let's hear it for Romeo"

"Don't look at me" muttered Romeo. Ms. Nurse turned away from where she played the piano. Romeo took a breath and began to sing _"__Every day is so wonderful..."_

Back in the dressing room, the boys and I got ready. Tybalt was probably off with Stacey, and so Petruchio began to talk.

"I mean, why would Tybalt send you guys' candy canes and not me?"

"Maybe he forgot about you" shrugged Paris.

"Yeah, Tybalt has been acting kind of weird lately. I mean, is something bothering him?" I added.

"Well, I mean, his uncle and aunt totally don't sleep in the same bed anymore, if that's what you mean. Oh, my God. Don't tell him I told you that" hissed Petruchio.

Meanwhile, Romeo's singing reached our ears.

"_I am beautiful, in every single way_. _Yes, words can't bring me down_. _Don't you bring me down today"_

"I mean, no offense, but why would he send you a candy cane? He doesn't even like you that much. Maybe he feels weird around me because I'm the only person that knows about his penis enlargement surgery. Oh, my God. Pretend you didn't hear that" Petruchio quickly gabbled. I listened as the next set of performers began to sing.

"_Yo, yo, yo. __All you sucker MCs, __ain't got nothing on me__. __From my grades to my lines, you can't touch Ally C. I'm a Mathlete. So nerd is inferred but forget what you heard, I'm like James Bond the Third__. __Shaken not stirred. I'm Allegra Capulet. The C is silent when I sneak in your door. And make love to your man on the bathroom floor, I don't play it like Shaggy. You'll know it was me because the next time you see him, he'll be like...Oh! Ally C!"_

"Thank you, Allegra, that's enough" sighed Mr. Lawrence.

"Happy holidays, everybody" said Allegra, as she and the Mathletes walked offstage.

"AC and the Power of Three. That was something" said Mr. Lawrence. Me and the rest of the boys hurried backstage to get ready to dance. Mercutio was comforting Romeo who'd been booed offstage.

"Does it bother you that they still use your original choreography?" asked Romeo, ceasing his snivelling as we got into position.

"Shut up" scoffed Mercutio.

"Damn" cursed Allegra as she passed by.

"What?" snapped Mercutio.

"I'd rather see you out there shaking that thing" remarked Allegra. Romeo sniggered, as Mercutio's jaw dropped.

Tybalt turned to Petruchio "Petruchio, switch sides with Benvolio"

"But I'm always on your left" protested Petruchio.

"That was when there were three of us, and now the tallest go in the middle" declared Tybalt.

"But the whole dance will be backwards. I'm always on your left" Petruchio continued to protest.

"And right now you're getting on my last nerve. Switch" commanded Tybalt.

"And finally, please welcome to the stage, Santa's Helpers, doing 'Jingle Bell Rock'" announced Mr. Lawrence, as the curtains went up. The audience cheered for us, and Petruchio hurried to the front of the stage with a little wave at the audience to press play on the CD player. We began to dance.

'_Jingle bell, jingle bell_

_Jingle bell rock_

_Jingle bells swing_

_And jingle bells ring_

_Snowing and blowing_

_Up bushels of fun'_

Through the stage lights, I noticed my parents looking mildly horrified as we slapped our hands on our thighs. I also noticed Tybalt's aunt holding up a camera and filming us, and doing the dance at the same time. Which was more cringey, I couldn't tell.

_'Now the jingle hop has begun_

_Jingle bell, jingle bell_

_Jingle bell rock_

_Jingle bells chime_

_In jingle bell time_

_Dancing and prancing_

_In Jingle bell Square'_

Petruchio had been right. The dance was backwards. And he, of course, forgot that, turned, and banged into Tybalt. Tybalt grabbed him, shoved him the right way round, but Petruchio kicked the CD player.

'_In the fr...fr...fr'_

It had jammed. Petruchio looked at Tybalt horrified. Tybalt nodded, so Petruchio kicked it again. The CD player flew forwards and whacked Katharina in the face.

"Katharina?" cried Petruchio frantically.

And awkward silence filled the room. Tybalt's eyes were flashing. I glanced around, wondering what to do. Suddenly, I burst out in song.

'_What a bright time_

_It's the right time_

_To rock the night away'_

I don't even know what compelled me to do it. I hate singing in public – I get so self-conscious! But it worked, and the audience began to sing along, and we continued the dance.

'_Jingle bell time_

_Is a swell time_

_To go riding in a one-horse sleigh_

_Giddy-up jingle horse_

_Pick up your feet_

_Jingle around the clock_

_Mix and mingle in a jingling beat_

_That's the jingle bell_

_That's the jingle bell_

_That's the jingle bell rock'_

"That was the best it ever went!" exclaimed Tybalt as we rushed off stage.

"That was awesome" declared Stacey, rushing into his arms.

"Hey, good job, Africa" called Allegra.

"Thanks" I smiled back at her.

"Benvolio's blushing. Oh, my God. You totally have a crush on that girl" giggled Petruchio.

"No, I don't" I denied.

"That's why you wanted to join the Mathletes" Petruchio went on.

"Mathletes? You hate math" scorned Stacey.

"Look how red he is. You love her. And she totally complimented you. That is so Tank" Petruchio beamed.

Tybalt turned, with his face full of thunder "Petruchio, stop trying to make 'Tank' happen. It's not going to happen"


	10. Chapter 10

teenagejustice - Thanks for the review! I'm so glad you're enjoying it. I have to say, it makes me chuckle as I write it sometimes.

Tank is not going to happen! So, can Benvolio, Romeo and Mercutio crack Petruchio?

* * *

><p>"Why should Caesar get to stomp around like a giant while the rest of us try not to get smushed under his big feet? What's so great about Caesar? Brutus is just as cute as Caesar. OK, Brutus is just as smart as Caesar. People totally like Brutus just as much as they like Caesar. And when did it become OK for one person to be the boss of everybody? Because that's not what Rome is about. We should totally just stab Caesar!" shrieked Petruchio hysterically.<p>

Petruchio Dickson had cracked.

"OK, if you even knew how mean he really is. You know that I'm not allowed to wear diamante cock piercings, right?" Petruchio snivelled, later on in the solace of the boys' bathroom. I listened. He nodded "Yeah. Two years ago, he told me that diamante cock piercings were his thing and that I wasn't allowed to wear them anymore. And then for my Birthday, my dad got me this really expensive diamante cock piercing. And I had to pretend like I didn't even like it, and it was so sad" he gulped "And you know he cheats on Stacey? Yeah. Every Thursday she thinks he's doing SAT prep. But really, he's hooking up with Rosaline Oftmoro in the projection room above the auditorium, and I never told anybody that, because...I'm such a good friend"

Jackpot! Petruchio's secret had put the plan back in motion. And so, after Christmas break, we tried every Thursday to help Stacey catch Tybalt in the act.

The first time, we left a note on the door of the gym _'Netball practise will be taking place in the projection room above the auditorium'_

Stacey went along to the projection room above the auditorium, and shoved against the door, which they'd locked. Tybalt, wearing nothing more than a pair of boxers, and Rosaline, wearing just her bra and skirt, sprang apart. Tybalt ran behind a cupboard, leaving Rosaline exposed. Stacey finally barged open the door.

Rosaline gasped, before grabbing her shirt and holding it in front of "Uh, just trying out my new top!"

Another time, Romeo pretended to mug me.

"Hey" I greeted Stacey.

"Hey, what's up?" she asked with a smile. Then, Romeo charged through the crowd wearing a balaclava, grabbed my bag, and dashed off.

"My bag!" I yelled. Without hesitation, Stacey ran in the direction after him

"Looks like he's headed for the projection room above the auditorium!" I called, whilst following them.

Romeo ran, with Stacey hot in his wake. They reached the projection room above the auditorium, Romeo shoved open the door as Stacey reached them, only to reveal...

"Ms. Duarte?" gasped Stacey.

"Gabriel?" gasped Romeo.

"Guys, why did we think we could do this? We're amateurs" I sighed, as we hung out in my kitchen.

"No, we just have to regroup. Think outside our box" encouraged Mercutio.

"What are Kälteen bars?" asked Romeo, rummaging through my kitchen cupboards.

"They're these weird Swedish nutrition bars. My mum used to give them to the kids in Africa to help them gain weight" I explained. Romeo and Mercutio looked at me. We grinned.

So the next day, I took them in, and gave them to Tybalt.

"They're these weird nutrition bars my mum uses to lose weight" I lied.

"Give me it" Tybalt reached over and snatched it "It's all in, like, Swedish or something"

"Yeah, you know, there's some weird ingredient in them that's not legal in Verona. Yet" I added quickly.

"Ephedrine?" asked Tybalt.

"No"

"Phentermine"

"No"

"It burns carbs. It just burns up all your carbs" I explained.

"I really want to lose three pounds" sighed Tybalt. He looked at us hesitatingly.

"Oh, my God, what are you talking about?" gasped Petruchio.

"You're so muscly" Paris agreed.

"Shut up" scoffed Tybalt, chomping away.

The weird thing about hanging out with Tybalt was that I could hate him, and at the same time, I still wanted him to like me. He and his pals finally helped me out in the fashion department.

"OK. You have a really nice butt" said Tybalt, shifting through pairs of trousers.

"Thanks" I beamed.

"Move" snapped Tybalt to Petruchio, pushing him out the way.

It was the same with Petruchio. The meaner Tybalt was to him, the more Petruchio tried to win Tybalt back. He knew it was better to be in the Capulets, hating life, than to not be in them at all. Because being with the Capulets was like being famous. People looked at you all the time, and everybody just knew stuff about you.

"That new boy moved here from Africa"

"I saw Benvolio wearing Army pants and flip-flops, so I bought Army pants and flip-flops"

"That Benvolio boy is hot" said a girl. Then she added "He might even be hotter than Tybalt Capulet"

"I hear Tybalt Capulet is dating Stacey Samuels again. The two were seen canoodling at Chris Eisel's Halloween party. They've been inseparable ever since" remarked Mr. Lawrence.

One day, with me wearing my new clothes, we swaggered down the hallway. People stepped out of our way and girls stared at us. Then Stacey turned up, and Tybalt slipped his arm around her. I was so busy looking at them enviously, I didn't notice the bin. I tripped and fell straight in, head first.

I was a boy possessed. I spent about eighty percent of my time talking about Tybalt. And the other twenty percent of the time, I was praying for someone else to bring him up so I could talk about him more.

"He's not even that good-looking if you really look at him" I gossiped.

"I don't know. Now that's he's getting fatter, he's got a pretty juicy ass" replied Mercutio.

I could hear people getting bored with me. But I couldn't stop. It just kept coming up like word vomit.

"I have this theory that if he grew his hair look and made it spike up more, he'd look like a cheap imitation of Edward Cullen"

"Yeah, I know. You told me that one before" droned Mercutio. Then he turned around and pressed a flyer into my hand "Hey, I'm having an art show. So why don't you take a night off from your double life? I want you to see it"

"Coolness"

"What is that smell?" sniffed Mercutio disgustedly.

"Oh, Tybalt gave me some aftershave" I explained.

"You smell like a mini gigolo"

"Thanks" I replied. Mercutio grabbed a can of deodorant and sprayed it around the room, his nose wrinkled in disgust.

Meanwhile, I was finding any excuse I could to talk to Stacey.

"I don't get this. Do you get any of this?" I asked her one day in maths class.

"Nice job, Benvolio" said Ms. Nurse, dumping a test on my test. It was ninety five out of a hundred.

"Kind of seems like you get it" smiled Stacey.

If I was going to keep this going, I was going to have to really commit.

"Not your best" said Ms. Nurse, slapping a test with only sixty five out of a hundred on my desk.

"Damn, Africa, what happened?" asked Allegra.

"How'd you do?" asked Stacey, turning around.

"Not so good. You know, I think I need a tutor" I sighed, but batted my eyelids at her.

"I'll tutor you, if you ever want to get together after school or something" she smiled.

"Do you think Tybalt would mind?"

"No. You guys are friends" she replied, but then she nibbled her lip "Well, maybe we just won't tell him"


	11. Chapter 11

teenagejustice - Thanks! That made me laugh too. I couldn't resist tampering with 'you have really good eyebrows'

Short chapter today! But it's actually one of my favourites because of the good quotes. Will Benvolio get his hands on Tybalt's girl? And will he be nominated for Spring Fling King?...of course he will, it's a rewrite of Mean Girls.

* * *

><p>"So, what did you get for this one?" I asked, as we perched over our test papers in Stacey's dining room.<p>

"Well, the first time I did it, I got a zero" she replied.

That was wrong.

"But then when I checked it, I got one"

That was right.

"I got one too" I said.

"Yeah, you have to check it because sometimes the product of two negative integers is a positive number"

"Yeah, like negative four and negative six"

"That's right. That's good"

"Well, you're a good tutor" I smiled, and then we leant forwards. Her lips met mine, and I sighed with bliss. But then, before I could even begin to enjoy the kiss, she pulled away.

"Man, look, I... I can't do this. It's not fair to Tybalt"

"Why do you like him?" I asked fustratedly.

"Look, I know he can be really mean sometimes, but..." faltered Stacey.

"Then why do you like him?"

"Why do you?" retorted Stacey "Look, there's good and bad to everybody. Right? Tybalt's just...he's just more up-front about it"

Oh, no. It was coming up. The word vomit. I didn't mean to say it, but...

"He's cheating on you!" I exclaimed.

Stacey frowned "What?"

We crossed off Tybalt's arm candy from the list. And, before I knew it, Tybalt Capulet was lying on his bed wearing just his pyjamas, sobbing and wailing.

"What?" gasped Paris.

"Did she say why?" asked Petruchio.

"Somebody told her about Rosaline" howled Tybalt.

"Who?" hissed Petruchio.

"She said some girl on the netball team" Tybalt snivelled.

"Netball team?" repeated Paris.

"I gave her everything. I have a tattoo of her name on me!" shrieked Tybalt.

Paris sighed sympathetically, and then looked enlightened "You want to do something fun? You want to go to Taco Bell?"

Tybalt turned to Paris with a face of thunder "I can't go to Taco Bell, I'm on an all-carb diet. God, Paris, you are so stupid!" he leapt up, and marched out of the room into his en suite bathroom.

"Tybalt, wait. Talk to me!" cried Petruchio, running after him.

"Nobody understands me!" yelled Tybalt, muffled by the bathroom door.

"I understand you!" protested Petruchio. I turned to Paris, who looked upset.

"You're not stupid, Paris" I said comfortingly.

"No. I am, actually. I'm failing almost everything" replied Paris.

"Well, there must be something you're good at"

"I can put my whole fist in my mouth. Want to see?" Paris beamed eagerly. He clenched his hand and began to push it in his mouth, his eyes wide open with glee.

"No. That's OK" I moved his fist away from his mouth "Anything else?"

"I'm kind of psychic. I have a fifth sense"

"What do you mean?"

"It's like I have ESPN or something. My dick can always tell when it's going to rain" whispered Paris.

"Really? That's amazing" I nodded.

"Well, it can tell when it's raining"

I have to admit, I was mildly horrified when Stacey didn't immediately ask me to be her boyfriend. I mean, I know she was sad, but how much time did she need? Tybalt had moved on. He was dating Rosaline, his cousin's cousin. And they were doing it, despite the fact she was in the Chastity Club. I can only imagine what went on in the Capulet Manor...

Tybalt shoved Rosaline backwards onto his bed, all the while kissing her passionately. Her red nails scrabbled down to the hem of his shirt, and ripped it off. He pressed her further down against the pillows, without breaking contact with her. Lady Capulet opened the door and peered in.

"Do you guys need anything? Some snacks? A condom? Let me know. Oh, God love you"

But overall, the plan was going pretty well. Stacey had dumped Tybalt, and he was unknowingly eating two thousand calories a day. It was time to turn our attention to the ignorant band of loyal followers. The next day at school, it was time for the announcements.

"And finally, the nominees for Spring Fling King are as follows" declared Mr. Laurence down the intercom "Tybalt Capulet"

There was applause, and Tybalt smirked.

"Petruchio Dickson"

Petruchio's eyes lit up, and he smiled breathlessly. Tybalt rolled his eyes.

"Mercutio Vincentino"

"What is happening to the world?" gasped Tybalt.

"And the final nominee..."

"I couldn't help myself. It was so easy" Romeo snickered as Mercutio whacked him with a textbook.

"...is Benvolio" I waited with baited breath, expecting my surname to be exposed "Mo-ccccuuuccch"

The intercom had cut out. Thank goodness.

"Romeo, you put me in there too? That's not part of the plan" I asked, turning to face him.

"I didn't put you in there" Romeo shook his head.

"You mean I'm really nominated?" I asked in disbelief.


	12. Chapter 12

JessOvergon - Thanks! Here's an update :)

teenagejustice - Oh, that's fine! I haven't updated this in a while anyway, I've been concentrating on other projects. But I'm back now!

The last segment is one of my favourite parts of Mean Girls!

* * *

><p>In January, Tybalt had put a Spring Fling suit on hold at a store. But being a Capulet, he needed our advice before he could actually buy it.<p>

"It won't close" grunted Tybalt, frantically pulling at the zip "It's my usual size!"

"OK, it must be marked wrong" Petruchio dismissed.

"Benvolio, all I've been eating are these Kälteen bars. They suck" snapped Tybalt.

"No, no, this is just how they work. This is all your water weight. First you bloat, and then you drop ten pounds like that. Well, the Kälteen bars have burned up all your carbs, and now your body's just running on water. But once the water's gone, then you'll be all muscle. It explains it all on the label" I explained frantically.

"You know Swedish?" frowned Tybalt.

"Yeah, everyone in Africa can read Swedish" I lied.

"Sir, do you have this in the next size up?" asked Paris, turning to the sales assistant.

"Sorry. That's the highest size. You could try Sears"

Tybalt gasped, horrified. We crossed off 'technically good physique' from the list. After the episode at the store, I was back in maths class.

"Benvolio. I need your parents to sign this so they know that you're failing" said Ms. Nurse, handing me a piece of paper.

"Failing?" I repeated.

"You know what's weird about your quizzes, Benvolio, is that all the work is right and just the answers are wrong"

"Really?" I asked, trying to look nonchalant.

"Really" nodded Ms. Nurse, then she looked at me and sighed "Benvolio, I know that having a girlfriend may seem like the most important thing in the world right now, but you don't have to dumb yourself down to get girls to like you"

_'How would you know?' _I thought to myself.

"I know, 'How would I know,' right? I'm divorced. I'm broke from getting divorced. The only guy that ever calls my house is Randy from Chase Visa. And you know why? Because I'm a pusher. I push people. I pushed my husband into law school. That was a bust. I pushed myself into working three jobs. And now I'm going to push you. Because I know you're smarter than this"

"Thanks, Ms. Nurse. And if there's anything I can do for extra credit, please let me know"

"Oh, I will"

* * *

><p>"I hate her! I mean, she's totally failing me on purpose because I didn't join those stupid Mathletes! She was so queer. She was like, 'I'm a pusher, Benvolio. I'm a pusher'" I ranted to the Capulets as we hung out in Tybalt's room.<p>

"Haha! What does that even mean?" asked Tybalt, lying on his back on his bed, lifting a weight with one arm.

"Like a drug pusher?" suggested Petruchio.

"Probably. She said she works three jobs. You know, I bet she sells drugs on the side to pay for her pathetic divorce" I snapped.

"You let it out, honey. Put it in the book" instructed Petruchio.

I know it may look like I'd become a Capulet, but that's only because I was acting like a Capulet.

"Hey, I called you last night. How come you didn't call me back?" asked Mercutio.

"Oh, I got busy. Sorry" I replied.

"So you need a ride to my art show this weekend?" Mercutio asked again.

"No. I have to go to Madison with my parents. I'm so sorry" I sighed.

"Well, you want to watch a movie tonight?" asked Romeo.

"Can't. I'm doing major Capulet sabotage tonight" I grinned.

"But we don't have anything planned for tonight" Mercutio frowned.

"Oh, I planned this one on my own. Love you. Bye" I grabbed my stuff, got up, and left.

"Love you!" called Romeo after me.

That night, I picked up my phone.

"Petruchio thinks you're mad at him because he's running for Spring Fling King" I gossiped to Tybalt.

"Oh my God, I'm not mad at him. I'm worried about him. I think somebody nominated him as a joke or something. And when nobody votes for him, he's going to have a total meltdown. And who's going to have to take care of him? Me"

"So you don't think anyone will vote for him?"

"Benvolio, he's not fit. I mean, that sounds bad, but whatever. The Spring Fling King is always fit. And the crazy thing is that it should be Paris, but people forget about him because he's such a fag. Anyway, I've got to go. I'm going to bed"

I hung up on Tybalt, and then switched over to Petruchio "Well, he's not mad at you"

"Hold on" said Petruchio.

"Are you OK?"

"Hello?" asked Paris.

"If someone said something bad about you, you'd want me to tell you, right?" answered Petruchio.

"No" replied Paris. Petruchio frowned.

"What if it was someone you thought was your friend?"

"What are you...?" began Paris "Hold on. Other line"

"I'm not taking this anymore" decided Petruchio.

"Good for you, Pet" I encouraged.

"Hello?" asked Paris.

"Let's go out" said Tybalt.

"OK. Hold on. I'm on the other line with Petruchio" replied Paris.

"Don't invite Petruchio. He's driving me nuts" Tybalt rolled his eyes.

"Hold on" said Paris.

"OK, hurry up" Tybalt said.

"It's Tybalt. He wants to hang out with me tonight, but he told me not to tell you" said Paris.

"Do not hang out with him" warned Petruchio.

"Why?" asked Paris.

"You don't want me to tell you" Petruchio shook his head.

"You can tell me. Hold on" Paris switched. Well, he thought he switched "Oh, my God, he's so annoying"

"Who is?" asked Petruchio.

"Who's this?" asked Paris.

"Petruchio" replied Petruchio.

"Right. Hold on" said Paris "Oh, my God, he's so annoying"

"I know. Just get rid of him" instructed Tybalt. Paris switched back over to Petruchio.

"OK. What is it?" asked Paris.

"Tybalt says everyone hates you because you're such a fag" replied Petruchio.

"He said that?" gasped Paris.

"You didn't hear it from me" shrugged Petruchio.

"Little harsh, Pet" I remarked.

"Whatever. He has a right to know" retorted Petruchio. He put down the phone.

"I can't go out" said Paris to Tybalt "Cough cough! I'm sick"

"Boo. You whore"


	13. Chapter 13

RichardIII1955 - Lol! This chapter is about too!

JessOvergon - Thanks again! Glad you like.

teenagejustice - It's actually kind of weird writing Benvolio as mean!

So here is one of the longest chapters in Mean Boys. Benvolio dethrones Tybalt and Mercutio and Romeo call the shots on Benvolio!

* * *

><p>"Tybalt, we have to talk to you" said Paris and Petruchio firmly.<p>

"Is butter a carb?" asked Tybalt, spreading it over his bread.

"Yes" I nodded.

"Tybalt, you're wearing sweatpants. It's Monday" Petruchio tutted.

"So?" shrugged Tybalt.

"So that's against the rules and you can't sit with us" said Paris.

"Whatever. Those rules aren't real" scoffed Tybalt.

"They were real that day I wore a vest!" protested Paris.

"Because that vest was disgusting" retorted Tybalt.

"You can't sit with us!" screeched Petruchio.

"These sweatpants are all that fits me right now" murmured Tybalt. He looked around at us. None of us came to his aid. He slammed down his cutlery on his tray "Fine. You can walk home, bitches"

He got up, and was about to storm away, when he barged into Hermia. Hermia sneered at him.

"Watch where you're going, fat-ass!"

Tybalt gasped, and the whole of the cafeteria burst out in laughter. He hurried away, his reputation in tatters. We crossed off 'ignorant band of loyal followers'

Petruchio and Paris followed me around all afternoon.

"So, what are we doing this weekend?" asked Petruchio.

"Yeah, what are we doing?" asked Paris.

"Oh, I have to go to Mantua with my parents" I replied.

"What...?" they both gasped.

"We have tickets for this thing" I explained.

"What?"

"What?"

Was I the new king cat?

"I can try and get out of it" I smiled.

"Yeah!" they both exclaimed.

It was easier than I thought to get out of it. My parents looked at me disappointedly, but I had thought up a cunning excuse.

"Because I told my friend Mercutio I'd go to his art show" I protested.

"We've had these tickets for months!" cried my mum "You love going to Mantua!"

"But he's my friend, and I made him a promise" I whined.

"I think Benvolio's old enough to spend one night on his own" nodded my dad.

There! I had learned how to control everyone around me. When it was time for maths class the next day, I tapped Stacey on the shoulder.

"Hey. I'm having a small get-together at my house tomorrow night"

"Is Tybalt going?" asked Stacey.

"No. Do you think I'm an idiot?" I scoffed, but then I grinned "No, it's just going to be a few cool people, and you better be one of them, byotch"

"Fine, I'll go" she smiled back.

"Shut up. I love that shirt on you"

Stacey Samuels was going to be in my house at my party. Everything had to be perfect. And this time when Stacey saw me, I wouldn't be caught in some ridiculous costume.

"Hey, guys" I smirked, walking down the stairs of my house.

"You look awesome!" cried Paris and Petruchio.

"I know, right?" I replied "OK, so I got enough cheese and crackers for eight people. Do you think that's enough?"

"Yeah" they replied.

"Yeah. Oh, yeah" I nodded.

"OK" We looked at each other breathlessly, and then the doorbell rang.

But it was not enough. Somehow, the word had gotten out about my small get-together.

"Katharina is here with her dyke friend" gasped Petruchio.

"She's just using her to make you mad" assured Paris.

"Have you guys seen Stacey yet?" I asked, frantically looking around.

"No" They both shook their heads.

"Dude, put on 'The Ramayana Monkey Chant'" jeered some guys. The doorbell rang and I answered.

"Do I know you?" I asked a bunch of more guys, clutching at beer cans.

"Deek! What up, dog?" they barged past me. I glanced around in the confusion. The house was in chaos, and _Stacey was not here_!

* * *

><p>"He thinks he's going have a party and not invite me? Who does he think he is?" seethed Tybalt, steering his silver car down the street.<p>

"You're right, Tibby" simpered Rosaline.

"I, like, invented him, you know what I mean? Urgh!" hissed Tybalt.

* * *

><p>"Katharina. I have to talk to you" Petruchio declared.<p>

"Whatever" sighed her friend. Petruchio tried to run after her, but tripped and fell flat on his face.

"I love you" he whined.

"I know, I know"

"Hey! Put that down!" I yelled, at some guys tossing one of my parents' vases to and fro. I still hadn't seen Stacey. _'Was Stacey blowing me off?' _I thought, horrified.

"What's up?" greeted Allegra, leaping into my range of view. I startled "Petruchio came to talk to me"

_'Oh, no' _I thought.

"Look, I don't want to hurt your feelings, but I only date men of insanity" declared Allegra.

"I have to pee" I replied, turning around and heading upstairs to my room. There was a couple making out on my bed "Get out"

I slumped down in an armchair. Then the door opened. It was Stacey!

"Hey" I smiled.

"Hey" she smiled back.

"I've been looking for you everywhere" I said.

"Me too. You look...New clothes?" asked Stacey.

"Thanks"

"You want to go downstairs?"

"No, no. Let's stay here" I pulled her back into the room, and we sat down on my bed.

"Thanks for getting me to come out tonight"

"Yeah, sure, no problem"

"I wasted too much time being pissed off at Tybalt. No more liars"

"I would never lie to you"

"I know, I know"

"Although... ok, listen. I mean, I did lie to you once, but you're totally going to laugh when I tell you, so..."

"Tell me what?"

"I pretended to be bad at maths so that you'd help me. But the thing is, I'm not really bad at maths. I'm actually really good at maths. You're kind of bad at maths. Anyways, now I'm failing. Isn't that funny?"

"Wait. You're failing on purpose? That's stupid"

"No. Not on purpose. Just, you know... I just wanted a reason to talk to you"

"So why didn't you just talk to me?"

"Well, because I couldn't. Because of Tybalt. Because you were his property..."

"His property?"

"No. Shut up. Not his property..."

"No, don't tell me to shut up"

"I wasn't..."

"God, you know what? You are just like a clone of Tybalt"

"Oh, no, no, listen to me. You're not listening to me..."

Oh, no. It was coming up again. Word vomit. No, wait a minute...

The door barged open, and Tybalt gasped "What is this?!"

**Actual vomit.**

I leant forwards, and hurled. Stacey shrieked, and leapt out of the way. She ran off, and I got up and tried to follow.

"Stacey!" I cried as she ran away out into the street, disgusted "Stacey, wait! Just...ok. Call me" I stood, breathing heavily. Then, all of a sudden, Mercutio and Romeo loomed at me from a car. Romeo was driving, and Mercutio stood up through the window in the roof, a furious expression on his face.

"Oh, God" I muttered.

"You dirty little liar" seethed Mercutio.

"I'm sorry. I can explain" I cried.

"Explain how you forgot to invite us to your party?" Mercutio swerved around to face me as the car drove past.

"Mercutio, I cannot stop this car. I have a curfew" said Romeo, continuing to drive.

"You know I couldn't invite you. I had to pretend to be a Capulet" I tried to explain.

"Hey, buddy, you're not pretending anymore. You're a Capulet. Cold, shiny, hard Capulet" yelled Mercutio.

"Curfew, one am. It is now ten past one am!" Romeo shouted.

"Did you have an awesome time? Did you drink awesome shooters and listen to awesome music, and then just sit around and soak up other's awesomeness?" mocked Mercutio.

"You're the one who made me like this so you could use me for your primary school revenge!" I yelled back.

"God! See, at least me and Tybalt Capulet know we're mean. You try to act like you're so innocent. Like, 'Oh, I'm Benvolio Montague and I'm a pacifist and I used to live in Africa with all the little birdies and the little monkeys'" mimicked Mercutio in a high-pitched voice.

"You know what? It's not my fault you're in love with me or something!" I snapped.

"What?" shrieked Mercutio.

Romeo slammed on the breaks "Oh, no he did not!"

"See? That is the thing with you Capulets. You think that everybody is in love with you, when actually, everybody hates you. Like Stacey, for example. She broke up with Tybalt and guess what? She still doesn't want you. So why are you still messing with Tybalt, Benvolio? I'll tell you why. Because you are a mean boy! You're a bitch! Here. You can have this. It won a prize" Mercutio threw a scroll of paper at me and then sank back down into the car.

"And I want my leather trousers back! I want my leather trousers back!" screamed Romeo, as they drove off into the night. I unscrolled the roll of paper Mercutio had thrown me. It was a drawing. Of us three.

* * *

><p>"Tibby, slow down" insisted Rosaline.<p>

"It's like I can't trust anyone anymore" hissed Tybalt. He reached into his pocket for a snack, and then shoved a bar into his mouth.

"Why are you eating a Kälteen bar?" frowned Rosaline.

"I'm starving" snapped Tybalt.

"God, I hate those things. Hermia once tricked me into eating those for a week, by telling me they'd make me lose weight, when I actually gained weight"

"What?" breathed Tybalt.

"They make you gain weight like crazy" said Rosaline.

Tybalt gasped and spat it out the floor. Rosaline grimaced.

"Who gave them to you?" asked Rosaline.

"Benvolio did" hissed Tybalt.

"What, not Benvolio Montague?"

"Benvolio what?" spat Tybalt.

"Montague. He's Romeo Montague's cousin"

"Motherfu..." cursed Tybalt, and then he roared. Really, roared. He roared all the way home, and as he ran up to his room. He stormed in, kicked over his arm chair, before he reached for a photograph on a note board, and then grabbed his Burn Book. He threw it to the ground, still growling and roaring. He grabbed the pen.

"This boy is the nastiest skank bitch I've ever met. Do not trust him. He is a disgusting faggot!" snarled Tybalt.


	14. Chapter 14

JessOvergon - Some shit is gonna go down now...

teenagejustice - Lol! Angry Mercutio was pretty fun to write, especially the 'You're a mean boy, Benvolio!' since in the play he's totally not.

This is probably the longest chapter. Here we have some hiliarious gossip from the Burn Book. And also some Shakespeare characters making some 'sincere' apologies to each other (Antonio and Iago's apologies to Shylock and Othello are slightly racist and anti-Semitic but they were too funny not to use)

* * *

><p>"I found it in the boys' bathroom. It's so mean, Mr. Lawrence" snivelled Tybalt.<p>

"Is this true? Gabriel made out with Ms. Duarte? Good Lord. What's that say? 'Macbeth is a...?'"

"Murderer" Tybalt added, just a little bit too quickly. He pretended to burst into tears.

"Ok, calm down, Mr Capulet"

"Why would someone write that? That's just so mean" sobbed Tybalt.

"Don't worry, we're going to find out who did it"

Tybalt sat up straight "There's only three boys in the whole school who aren't in it"

* * *

><p>"At your age, you're going to be having a lot of urges. You're going to want to take off your clothes, and touch each other. But if you do touch each other, you will get Chlamydia. And die" announced Ms. Duarte, standing in front of the class. A monitor walked in, and handed her a notice. She turned to me "Benvolio Montague, they want to see you in the principal's office. All right, Chlamydia. K-L-A..."<p>

"In here, Mr Montague"

"What's going on?" I asked Paris and Petruchio, as I sat down next to them.

"Have a seat, Mr Montague" he gestured to a seat beside them. He held up the Burn Book "Have you ever seen this before?"

"No" I shook my head quickly "I mean, yes, I've seen it before, but it's not mine"

"You better get your story straight, Mr Montague, because I'm not messing around here"

"It's not ours, it's Tybalt's" said Paris.

"Yeah, he's trying to make it look like we wrote it, but really, he wrote it" nodded Petruchio.

"Mr Dickson, why would Tybalt refer to himself as a 'disgusting faggot?'"

Paris snorted.

"Mr Vincentino, this is no time to be laughing. We're going to get to the bottom of this right now"

"Maybe we're not in that book, because everybody likes us. And I don't want to be punished for being well-liked. And I don't think my father, the inventor of Toaster Strudel, would be too pleased to hear about this" added Petruchio.

But meanwhile, outside, Tybalt scattered photocopied pages of the book around. He shoved them under doors, threw them down stairwells, stuck them to the lockers. Then, the bell rang, and classes of students ambled out, discovering and reading the pages.

"'Hermia cheated on Lysander?' " Hermia read aloud "Oh, my God, that was one time!"

"'Macbeth is a murderer?' Who would write that?" asked Macbeth.

"Who wouldn't write that?" sniggered Macduff. Macbeth shoved him over.

"Gabriel made out with Ms. Duarte?" gasped Rose.

"And so did Juno!" giggled her friend.

Juno and Gabriel turned to each other, and launched into a bitch fight.

"You little slut!"

"You're the slut!"

"Hey! Hey! Settle down! All right, hey. No. You do not push and sh...Ow!" Ms. Nurse was slammed from behind and fell straight onto her face. Slowly, she got up, and saw a page about herself. Dealing drugs.

"Do you have anything else that you want to say?" asked Mr. Lawrence.

"No, I can't answer any more questions until I have a parent or lawyer present" Petruchio replied.

"Mr Vincentino?"

"Whoever wrote it...probably didn't think anyone would ever see it?" Paris answered.

"I hope that nobody else ever does see it" snapped Mr. Lawrence.

Back out in the corridor, the chaos continued.

"Mum, can you pick me up? I'm scared" gabbled Rose onto her phone, ducking around the chaos.

"Mercutio Vincentino, fag? That's original" scoffed Mercutio.

"Too gay to function?" asked Romeo.

"Hey! That's only ok when I say it" exclaimed Mercutio.

"Did you write this?" demanded a boy.

"No, I swear!" replied another.

"Then you told somebody!"

"He told!"

"You little bitch!" screamed Gabriel.

"You're a bitch!" yelled Juno, slamming him down onto the floor.

"Yeah! Take your top off!" shouted Katharina.

Back in Mr. Lawrence's office, he took in a breath "Now, here's what we're going to do..."

"Lawrence, come quick! They've gone wild. The boys have gone wild" gasped the secretary.

We ran out into the halls, with Mr. Lawrence grabbing a baseball bat for protection on the way out. It was full-tilt jungle madness. And it wasn't going away. I blinked, and it was still there. Juno and Gabriel were flailing with each other. Ms. Duarte ran between them and pulled them apart "Hey, I pulled these two off each other"

"Ms. Duarte, step away from the underage boys!" instructed Mr. Lawrence. There was a boy hanging up by the back of his shirt on a door "Let me help you down there" The boy kicked at him angrily "Hell, no! I did not leave the Catholic Church for this!"

Mr. Lawrence slammed the end of the baseball bat onto a fire alarm. Water gushed down from fire extinguishers, and the boys ceased fighting.

"Oh, crap! My hair!" yelled Iago.

"All boys report to the gymnasium immediately! Immediately!" roared Mr. Lawrence.

Have you ever walked up to people and realized they were just talking about you? Have you ever had it happen twelve times in a row? I have.

"Never in all of my years as an educator have I seen such behaviour. And from young men. I've got parents calling me on the phone asking, 'Did someone get shot?' I ought to cancel your Spring Fling" spat Mr. Lawrence.

"No!" squealed Gabriel's gang.

"No" moaned the rest of the hall.

"What are we supposed to do?" whispered a boy next to me.

"Now, I'm not going to do that, because we've already paid the DJ. But don't think that I'm not taking this book seriously. Ms. Duarte has fled school property. Ms. Nurse has been accused of selling drugs. Now, what the young men in this year group need is an attitude makeover. And you're going to get it right now. I don't care how long it takes, I will keep you here all night" threatened Mr. Lawrence.

"We can't keep them past four" corrected the secretary.

"I will keep you here until four" said Mr. Lawrence "Now, what we're going to try to do is fix the way you young men relate to each other. OK? Man to man. So who has a man problem that they'd like to talk about?"

Gabriel glanced around, before raising his hand.

"Yes?" said Mr. Lawrence, relieved.

"Somebody wrote in that book that I wear thongs" announced Gabriel "But I can't help if I have sensitive skin and a chafing problem!"

"Yeah, I can't do this" groaned Mr. Lawrence as the rest of the hall sniggered. He turned around "Ms. Nurse. You're a successful, intelligent, caring, graceful woman"

"I am?"

"There has to be something you can say to these young men. Something to help them with their self-esteem?"

"It's not a self-esteem problem. I think they're all pretty pleased with themselves"

"Ok"

"Ok. Everybody close your eyes" instructed Ms. Nurse. We did "I want you to raise your hand if you have ever had a boy say something bad about you behind your back"

I raised my hand.

"Open your eyes"

I opened my eyes, and glanced around the hall. It was full of boys with their hands raised.

"Now, close your eyes again"

We lowered our hands and closed our eyes.

"And this time, I want you to raise your hand if you have ever said anything about a friend behind his back"

Slowly, I lifted my hand.

"Open them"

We looked around, and there was some nervous laughter.

"There's been some boy-on-boy crime here. OK. So, what we could do today is a couple exercises to help you express your anger in a healthy way. Let's start over here"

Ms. Nurse had us confront each other directly about the things that were bothering us. And it seemed like every clique had its own problems.

Juno turned to Gabriel "You've been acting really stuck-up ever since you were promoted to first soloist. And Ceres agrees with me!"

"Ceres?" gaped Gabriel.

"Don't drag me into this, I'm going en pointe tomorrow" muttered Ceres.

"Ok. Good"

Tybalt raised his hand and stood "Can I just say that we don't have a clique problem at this school? And some of us shouldn't have to take this workshop, because some of us are just victims in this situation"

"That's probably true. How many of you have ever felt personally victimized by Tybalt Capulet?"

I was not surprised to see the whole hall raise their hands. Mercutio and Romeo had their hands in the air. Shylock, Antonio, Bassanio, Gratiano and Lorenzo had their hands up. Lysander and Demetrius had both raised their hands. Othello, Iago, Cassio and Roderigo raised their hands. Even Macbeth had his hand raised. I also raised my hand, hoping he would not see me.

"Good. Ok, who's next?" said Ms. Nurse, walking along "Who's next?" She stopped in front of me "Benvolio. Do you have anything you want to own up to?"

_'Yes' _I thought to myself.

"No" I replied.

"You never made up a rumour about anybody?"

_'Just that you sell drugs'_

"No" I repeated.

"Nothing you want to apologize for?"

I wanted to own up and clear my conscience like the other boys. I wanted all the secrets and rumours off of my chest. But I couldn't apologize to Ms. Nurse without getting blamed for the whole burn book.

"No" I said.

"I'm really disappointed in you, Benvolio Montague" Ms. Nurse sighed. She turned away from me, and addressed the rest of the hall "Ok, so we're all here because of this book, right? Well, I don't know who wrote this book, but you all have got to stop calling each other fags and homos. It just makes it ok for girls to call you fags and homos. Who here has ever been called a fag?"

Everyone raised their hands once again.

"OK, everybody up"

Ms. Nurse had us write out apologies to people that we'd hurt in our lives. She placed a table in front of the whole group and we stood on it, reading out our apology.

"Shylock, I'm sorry I called you a money obsessed Jew. It's not your fault you're such a money obsessed Jew" said Antonio.

"Petruchio, I'm sorry I laughed at you that time you got diarrhoea at Barnes and Noble. And I'm sorry I told everyone about it. And I'm sorry for repeating it now" smiled Paris.

Iago stood up "Othello, I don't hate you because you're black. You're black because I hate you"

"I just wish we could all get along like we used to in middle school. I wish that I could bake a cake made out of rainbows and smiles, and we'd all eat it and be happy" sobbed Hamlet.

"He doesn't even go here!" shouted a voice. Everyone turned and looked in Romeo's direction, but he bent his head.

"Do you even go to this school?" asked Ms. Nurse.

"No" snivelled Hamlet "I just have a lot of feelings"

"Ok, go home"

"Angelica, I think you're doing a great job" said Mr. Lawrence.

"Thanks. I feel like I'm getting through"

Petruchio climbed up. Tentatively, he took a breath "I'm sorry that people are so jealous of me. But I can't help it that I'm popular"

He turned, and fell, so that the student body would catch him. But everyone shuffled away, and it was left to Paris to catch him. Both boys slammed onto the floor.

"Oh, my God! Oh, jeez. Ok, walk it off. Walk it off"

"Ok. That hurt" winced the boys.

"They're ok. They're ok" announced Ms. Nurse "Oh, boy. Ok, who's next? Who's next? Keep it going"

It was my turn, but I couldn't face it. I stepped back. Mercutio, however, had other ideas. He stormed ahead of Lysander, holding his apology, and stomped up onto the podium.

"Oh, my God. It's his dream come true, diving into a big pile of boys" remarked Tybalt.

Mercutio's green eyes narrowed. He stuffed his written apology into his pocket "OK, yeah, I've got an apology. So I have this friend who is a new student this year. And I convinced him that it would be fun to mess up Tybalt Capulet's life. So I had him pretend to be friends with Tybalt even though he was a Montague, and then he would come to my house after and we would just laugh about all the dumb stuff Tybalt said. And we gave him these candy bar things that would make him gain weight, and we turned his best friends against him. And then... Oh, yeah, Benvolio Montague...You know my friend BENVOLIO _MONTAGUE_? He made out with Tybalt's girlfriend and then convinced her to break up with him. Oh, God, and we gave him pubic hair remover instead of stubble tint. God! I am so sorry, Tybalt. Really, I don't know why I did it. I guess it's probably because I've got a big gay crush on you! Suck on that!"

Mercutio leapt into the crowd of boys, where they held him high, and yelled his name. Amidst the chants of "Mercutio! Mercutio! Mercutio! Mercutio!" I saw Tybalt looked angrily at me. He turned, and began to storm away. I hurried after him.

"Tybalt! Tybalt, wait! I didn't mean for that to happen"

"To find out that everyone hates me? I don't care" snapped Tybalt, storming out the entrance of the school.

"Tybalt, please! Tybalt, stop!" I cried as he crossed the road to where his aunt waited with her car.

"No!" roared Tybalt. He turned around, and began to take slow, angry steps on the road back towards me "Do you know what everyone says about you? They say that you're a home-schooled jungle freak, who's a less hot version of me. Yeah. So don't try to act so innocent. You can take that fake apology and shove it right up your hairy..."

But Tybalt never finished. A big yellow school bus hurtled down the road out of nowhere, ramming into his body like he was a doll.

And that's how Tybalt Capulet died.


	15. Chapter 15

teenagejustice - Oh, you should definitely watch the end if you get the chance! It's actually a really nice ending, and it's super funny.

JessOvergon - Ahaha! I can totally see Mercutio and Romeo dancing to that!

This is quite a short chapter, actually. So, what happened to Tybalt?

* * *

><p>No, I'm totally kidding. But he did get hurt. Some boys say they saw his head go all the way around. But that's just a rumour. Some people swear they saw me push him in front of the bus. That was an even worse rumour.<p>

"Everybody done?" snapped my mum, grabbing my plate of food.

"No" I scowled "Mum, I didn't do it"

"I don't know what to believe anymore"

"Mum, believe me. I'm your son" I protested. She stormed into the kitchen and started rummaging around in the cupboards. She bent down under the sink, and then she stood up to her full height, holding two vases.

"Why are my tribal vases under the sink?" asked my mum.

"What?" I replied.

"My tribal vases. Why were they under the sink?" she repeated.

"I don't know" I shrugged.

"This is the fertility vase of the Ndebele tribe. Does that mean anything to you?"

"No" I scowled.

"Who are you?" she gasped, before dumping down the vases and storming out the room.

"Great. All my friends hate me, and now my mum hates me" I muttered to myself.

"Your mum does not hate you" hesitated my dad, searching for the right words to explain "She's afraid of you. I don't know, maybe we mainstream-schooled you too soon. Maybe you should come back and be home-schooled again for a while"

"No" I sighed "Only thing worse than going back will be not going back"

"How bad is it going be tomorrow?" asked my dad.

I sighed again "Remember when we saw those lions fighting over the wart hog carcass? I'll be the wart hog"

"You're not a wart hog, you're a lion. Just focus on your studies for a little while. You're still an excellent student, right?"

"Oh, yeah. I need you to sign my calculus test. I'm failing"

"OK. You are...what do they call it? Grounded. You're grounded"

So, not only was I unpopular and failing maths, I was grounded. Things couldn't get much better. The next day, I showed my face at school, to even more gossip and whispers than usual.

"He pushed him in front of the bus" whispered Iago.

"Did you see him do it?" Othello whispered back.

"Yes" nodded Iago eagerly.

I got to my class, and to my bemusement, I found two police officers and Mr. Lawrence.

"Did your teacher ever try to sell you marijuana or ecstasy tablets?" asked one of the officers.

"No" I shook my head.

"What are marijuana tablets?" asked Allegra.

"What's going on? Where's Ms. Nurse?"

"Mr. Lawrence, this is ridiculous. Ms. Nurse does not sell drugs" cried Stacey.

"I know, Stacey. But after the allegations against Ms. Duarte turned out to be extremely true, the school board felt that it was best that we investigate every claim made in this Burn Book"

"That book was written by a bunch of stupid boys who make up rumours because they're bored with their own lame lives" scoffed Stacey.

"Well, unless someone wants to come forward and say, 'I made it all up', this is how we have to handle it. To say that someone..." Mr. Lawrence trailed off.

There was only one way for me to put things right. _'Oh, no. Bye, Stacey. You're going to hate me forever' _I thought to myself, as I stood up.

"Mr. Lawrence" I announced "I wrote it"

"Come on, Benvolio" said Mr. Lawrence. He was frowning. The class gaped and stared at me, including Stacey. I couldn't look at her. I couldn't look at anyone. I walked out of there, ready to receive my penance.


	16. Chapter 16

JessOvergon - Poor Ben :(

Guest - That's what Cady does in the real Mean Girls...but it all turns out ok in the end.

teenagejustice - This chapters a bit longer!

I've actually just realised that this is the last chapter before the epilogue! So, can Benvolio make amends?

* * *

><p>When you get bit by a snake, you're supposed to suck the poison out. That's what I had to do. Suck all the poison out of my life. I started with Tybalt, who was living proof that the more people are scared of you, the more flowers you get. Then there was Ms. Nurse, who was living proof that no good deed goes unpunished.<p>

"Oh, hi. Did you want to buy some drugs?" asked Ms. Nurse, as I stood in front of her desk the next maths lesson.

"I'm just done with my quiz" I said quietly.

"Wait. I'll grade it right now" She grabbed out a pen, and started to mark it "I've got to say, watching the police search my house really was the cherry on top of a fantastic year. How much trouble did you get in for telling the truth?"

"A lot" I replied.

"You didn't write that whole book yourself. Did you tell Mr. Lawrence who else did it?" she asked.

"No, because I'm trying this new thing where I don't talk about people behind their backs"

"That's all right. Getting hit by a bus is pretty good punishment" said Stacey, getting up to sharpen her pencil.

"Ninety-four" announced Ms. Nurse.

"Welcome back, nerd" said Stacey, going to sit back down.

"Thanks" I smiled at her, and then turned back to Ms. Nurse "Anyway...I'm sorry."

"I forgive you. But as my own personal form of punishment, I figured out how you're going to earn that extra credit"

"What's up?" smirked Allegra.

So, I had to join the Mathletes. A couple of months ago, it was social suicide. Well, I'd pretty much already committed that, so I went along with it. Unfortunately, I'd joined just in time for the final. We stepped into the hall. At least ten people were dotted around the stands.

"Excellent. Great turnout this year" said Allegra.

"All right. It's all you" encouraged Ms. Nurse.

"Ok"

"Make me look good out there"

"Ok"

"Mantua, you sons of bitches. You no-good sons of bitches" growled Hermia.

"You nervous?" asked Ms. Nurse to me.

"Yes" I replied.

"Don't be. You can do this. There's nothing to break your focus, because not one of those Mantua girls is cute"

That was true. They were even uglier than the Mathlete girls I was with.

"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to the Italy High School Mathletes State Championship. Let's start the competition. Here is the first question. Twice the larger of two numbers is three more than five times the smaller, and the sum of four times the larger and three times the smaller is what?"

"Verona High?"

"Fourteen and five" replied Helena.

"That is correct. Question number two. Find an odd three-digit number whose digits add up to nine. The digits are all different, and the difference between the first two digits equals the difference between..."

"Mantua?"

Mantua replied.

"Correct"

Shoot. I was really rusty. I could hardly keep up with any of them.

* * *

><p>Back home, my mum wandered into the living room "Where's Benvolio?"<p>

"He went out" replied my dad.

"He's grounded"

"Are they not allowed out when they're grounded?" asked my dad.

* * *

><p>At school, the Spring Fling was getting underway.<p>

"Don't forget to vote for Spring Fling King and Queen, people. These A-holes will represent you for a full calendar year!" shouted Romeo.

"We're going to vote for Tybalt Capulet because he got hit by a bus" said Samson and Gregory.

"We're voting for Benvolio Montague because he pushed him" replied Abram and Balthasar.

"She's supposed to be grounded, but he let her out" yelled my mum to Mr. Lawrence over the music.

* * *

><p>"After forty-five minutes of very competitive play, we have a tie. In the event of a tie, we move into a sudden-death round. Each team is given the opportunity to choose their opponent. Verona High, who do you select?<p>

"The boy, dude. The boy" hissed Juliet to Allegra.

"Contestant Apothcary" said Allegra.

"From Mantua High, Mr Apothcary"

"We pick the boy too" said one of the Mantua High girls.

"And from Verona High, Mr Benvolio Montague"

"It's Benvolio"

"Oh, my God, that's me" I gasped. Allegra, Juliet, Helena and Hermia all looked at me, and prodded me forwards. Nervously, I walked to the podium in the middle of the stage.

Mr Apothcary seriously needed to pluck his eyebrows. His outfit looked like it was picked out by a blind Sunday school teacher. And he had some severe acne that urgently needed to be treated by a doctor. And that's when I realized. Making fun of Apothcary wouldn't stop him from beating me in this contest.

"Contestants, find the limit of this equation"

Calling somebody else fat won't make you any skinnier. Calling someone stupid doesn't make you any smarter. And ruining Tybalt Capulet's life definitely didn't make me any happier. All you can do in life is try to solve the problem in front of you.

"The limit is negative one" announced Apothcary.

_'Oh, crap. I lost' _I thought to myself.

"That answer is incorrect. Now, we are in a sudden death. If Mr Montague can answer this problem correctly, we have a winner"

Limits. Why couldn't I remember anything about limits? Limits. That was the week Stacey got her hair cut. Oh, God, she looked so cute. Ok, focus, Benvolio. What was on the board behind Stacey's head?

I racked my brains...if the limit never approaches anything...the limit does not exist!

"The limit does not exist!" I declared.

"Our new state champions...the Verona High Mathletes!

"Yeah! How do you like me now?" screamed Hermia, ripping off her shirt "You like that? Yeah! Get some! Get some!"

"Awesome. You went with the leather sleeves" said Juliet, as we were handed medals and a Mathletes sweater.

"Africa, you did the damn thing" praised Allegra.

"Thanks, AC" I replied.

"We're going to look so kick-ass in these when we roll into Spring Fling" said Juliet.

"Oh, no, I'm not going" I sighed.

"What?" frowned Helena.

"Benvolio, this is your night. Don't let the haters stop you from doing your thang" said Allegra.

"Did you just say _thang_?" I asked.

"Benvolio, you don't have to punish yourself forever" said Ms. Nurse.

"But I'm grounded" I replied.

"You're already out" shrugged Ms. Nurse.

We arrived at the Spring Fling just as the winner of king and queen was to be announced.

"All right, do we have all of our nominees for king and queen on the stage?" asked Mr. Lawrence. Mercutio and Petruchio stood on stage. Opposite them were the girls. Tybalt also stood with them, wearing a back brace.

"Ok, good. I just wanted to say that you're all winners. And I could not be happier that this school year's ending. Here we go. The winner of the Spring Fling Queen...Rosaline Oftmoro!"

"Oh my God!" shrieked Rosaline. Tybalt smiled wanly for her as she received her tiara. I caught sight of my parents, and headed away. They caught sight of me, and started beckoning me over.

"And your Spring Fling King, future co-chair of the Student Activities Board and winner of two gift certificates to the Walker Brothers Pancake House is...Benvolio Montague. Where is Benvolio?"

I had just begun making my way over to my parents, but then I was noticed by the student body.

"There he is"

Torn between my parents and Mr. Lawrence, I decided to go and claim my crown and talk to my parents later. I stood on stage, and he dumped the piece of plastic on my head.

"Thanks"

I shuffled forwards to the microphone. It was time to say my apology.

"Well, half the people in this room are mad at me. And the other half only like me because they think I pushed somebody in front of a bus. So that's not good"

"You know, it's not really required of you to make a speech" Mr. Lawrence added quietly.

"I'm almost done, I swear" I quickly replied, before turning back to the school. I took off the crown and held it in my hands "To all the people whose feelings that got hurt by the Burn Book, I'm really sorry. You know, I've never been to one of these things before. And when I think about how many people wanted this and how many people cried over it and stuff... I mean, I think everybody looks like royalty tonight. Look at Lysander. That suit is amazing. And Gabriel Fulgencio, I mean, that hairdo must have taken hours, and you look really pretty. So...why is everybody stressing over this thing? I mean, it's just plastic. Could really just..." I snapped it. Romeo cried out in distress, but I continued "Share it"

I threw a piece to Petruchio

"A piece for Petruchio Dickson, a partial Spring Fling King"

I threw a piece to Mercutio.

"A piece for Mercutio Vincentino"

"Seriously, most people just take the crown and go" Mr. Lawrence added again.

"And a piece for Tybalt Capulet. He fractured his spine, and he still looks like a rock star"

"Thank you"

"And some for everybody else" I tossed the broken pieces of the crown into the crowd. Romeo leapt up to snatch a piece. I turned back to Mr. Lawrence "Mr. Lawrence, can you wrap it up?"

"All right, have a good time, everyone"

"Look. I'm a Spring Fling King" said Mercutio, showing his piece of crown to Romeo.

"As am I" swooned Romeo, showing him his piece.

"Hey" I greeted.

"Hey" said the boys.

"So are we still in a fight?" I asked.

"Are you still an asshole?" asked Romeo.

"I don't think so" I shrugged.

"Well, then I guess we're ok" said Mercutio. The music began to play again.

"Oh, my God, I love this song!" cried Romeo.

"I hate this song" groaned Mercutio.

"I know this song!" I exclaimed.

"Arm candy, stage right" said Mercutio. He and Romeo shuffled away as Stacey made her way towards me.

"Hey, what's up?" I greeted.

"Hey. Didn't think you'd make it" she replied "On behalf of the Sixth Form, I'd like to present you with two gift certificates..."

"Thanks, sucker" said Mercutio, sneaking up and grabbing one.

"Yo, peace" said Romeo, following him.

"One gift certificate to the Walker Brothers Pancake House" corrected Stacey.

"Thank you"

"Congratulations on winning Nationals"

"I was so nervous. They made us do limits. I thought I was going to hurl" I replied, sighing with relief.

"How's your stomach now?" asked Stacey, drawing back a little.

"It's fine" I replied.

"Do you feel nauseous at all?"

"No"

"Have you been drinking?"

"No"

"Ok"

"Grool"

And then we finally kissed. Across the room, Romeo and Mercutio were dancing. Both of them looked at one another, before giving it a try. They pulled away.

"Ew" said Romeo.

"No" said Mercutio.

They both turned away in opposite directions.

"What's up?" greeted Allegra.

"Can I help you?" asked Mercutio.

"You bipolar?"

"ADHD"

"I feel that" replied Allegra, leading him off to dance.


	17. Epilogue

JessOvergon - Thank you!

teenagejustice - Thanks! It's one of my fav endings of a film, since it's so sweet and stuff. I especially love when Janis and Damien kiss and then they're like 'ew, no' and it was so funny having Romeo and Mercutio do it!

So, we're reached the ending of Mean Boys! Thanks to JessOvergon, teenagejustice, Guest, RichardIII1955, Grencle, Jetmir, RitatheBeetle, dragongal150, Cornadopia, Edssessed374, and DarkLadyRebel! I really appreciate all the support and reviews, it really does motivate me to write. So thanks!

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><p>In case you're wondering, the Capulets broke up.<p>

Tybalt's spine healed, and his physical therapist taught him to channel all his rage into sports. It was perfect because the jock boys weren't afraid of him.

Paris used his special talents to do the morning weather announcements over the school intercom.

"Hi, this is Paris Vincentino. It's thirty Celsius and there's a thirty percent chance that it's already raining" Paris announced ecstatically, clutching at his crotch as rain poured down around him.

And Petruchio found himself a new clique and a new king cat to serve.

"That's disgusting!" shrieked Gabriel.

"I know, right?" nodded Petruchio, adoringly gazing up at him.

Stacey sorted out all the girl bitching, and so I was able to help her out with that.

And me?

I had gone from home-schooled jungle freak, to mean Capulet, to most hated person in the world, and to actual human being.

All the drama from last year just wasn't important anymore. School used to be like a shark tank, but now I could just float.

"Tybalt" greeted Paris, as Tybalt walked past with the jock boys. Tybalt caught my eye and nodded curtly. I nodded back. Mercutio wrapped his arm around Allegra, and they kissed.

Finally, Guyland was at peace.

"Hey, check it out. Junior Capulets" said Romeo as Tybalt's younger brothers Casper and Felix sauntered down the path with their friends to cross the road.

And if any year nines tried to disturb that peace...Well, let's just say we know how to take care of it.

We slam a bus into them.

Just kidding.


End file.
